“An arm physician? Do arms get hurt?” - Dusty Baker

It’s pretty unusual that the worst thing in an article involving Jose de Jesus Ortiz isn’t that it’s written by Jose de Jesus Ortiz.

ZOMG! A POST WITH THE WORD CARDINAL! LET ME MAKE A JOKE ABOUT DOING SOMETHING THE RIGHT WAY BECAUSE I’M CLEVER!

“This dad-bod GLORY BOY is a disgusting pervert and deserves to be forced to vault from a springboard into a goddamn volcano. NO ONE DENIES THIS.”

SPOILER ALERT

I think the Funbag’s going to have a great Email of the Week! two weeks from now.

The irony being if this wasn’t something we knew, we’d be much better off (not to mention able to concentrate on the real issues like rampant dog/bun corruption).

COLUSSION between Ballpark Nathans and Sara Lee? THEY SAY NO! FAKE NEWS protecting HEBREW national. SAD!

You’d think someone in the rotation wouldn’t be hanging out in the pen.

If it’s anything like Minnesota, it’s probably pretty flat, dotted with lakes (of grease because pizza), and served cold. They don’t get party-cut style! Lifehack tip, party-cut is a pretty great way to stretch the value of pizza. It has party in the name! Name a thing that’s made worse by being associated with a…

Extreme Bottle Flipping

Obligatory:

Not being a resident (but as an adult child), I was thoroughly disappointed after googling Mayor Bowser. Please tell me she calls you all koopas.

Where do you think you are? This is Kinja. I’ll just go ahead and fix this for you...

This probably means Harper will be a Cub, so go ahead and kill me now, thanks.

The Marlins bungled this from the beginning. Unless they’re about to announce the SF deal, how are they supposed to leverage equivalent deals from any of those 4 other teams?

Hey, [snaps fingers] dummy! Shut it! You’re only feeding into the obnoxious stereotype we Cards fans have earned thanks to people like you.

Marlins Cut Payroll, Trade Star to West Coast

As a Cards fan I tire of the Way jokes but this is excellent.