Can you imagine Trump trying to pull off a Dennis Miller-penned joke which references Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare and Pinky Lee?

He did pay people to applaud when he addressed the CIA last month.

It's a longer game than that- it was originally started by the nefarious lefties who planted a fake Obama birth announcement in a Hawaiian newspaper in 1960, knowing full well that he would eventually grow up to be a the first African-American foreign-born Muslim President.

Pence has the most important (and probably only) quality Trump was looking for in a running mate- he was willing to do the hard work of governing and setting policy, and he was willing to let Trump take credit for it.

That pretty much describes any current member of the GOP.

But the weed from abroad might have nuclear weapons hidden in it!

But Caitlyn Jenner is somewhat angry at Donald Trump because he's not standing up for trans rights!

"We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders. raid their homes, break up their meetings, and…

The word "Bal-on" will forever be the first thing I think of when I see this film mentioned. In fact, I think I pretty much think it to myself whenever I see a real red balloon. too.

Republicans oppose bussing in all of its forms.

I just kiss the pan.

Santa was white.
Jesus was white.
Pepper spray is basically a vegetable.
[Before her pregnancy] Feminists should stop whining about maternity leave.
[Immediately after her pregnancy] More employers should offer maternity leave.
[Some time later, after her kids were older] Feminists should stop whining about maternity leave.

I nearly passed out while reading that part. The only time I had such a strong reaction was reading descriptions of car crash victims in The Atrocity Exhibition.

That, and the realization in 2008 that he had lost his last chance at ever being president.

The Mr. Show commentaries are my favorite tracks ever.

He's a traitor to his class. If he were following in the footsteps of the Kochs and Waltons, and using his fortune to make the average American's life worse, he'd be a hero to those he was screwing over.

Will that be Trump's excuse for flying down to Mar-A-Lago again this weekend- "Congress is on recess, so I get to go, too"?

"When you win, you get to make policy."- Mitch McConnell

There is no earthly that way you can capitalize the "in" in "in Philadelphia"

I once saw Milton Berle on Hollywood Squares. At one point, Mariette Hartley was answering a question, and Berle started talking over her. She jokingly said "Oh, be quiet, Milton." All of a sudden, he turned off his public persona and went into Milton Berle mode- "You don't tell me to shut up! Who are you? I'll…