No way. He’s got someone to do that shit for him.

...I think you might want to see a podiatrist.

Derek Jeter isn’t mowing fuck-all.

C'mon Drew, 100 bucks says Jeets has mowed a beav or two.

Horniest team? The Swiss, you idiot.

But seriously, WTF is it with doors. The front door and the fridge door get left open all the f’in time. Arhelkehwopidudfh,, Close the fucking door!

You guys are just like my real parents, in that I receive mixed messages from you and you both reek of cigarettes

It reminds me of when I turn to my daughter, look deep into her eyes, and scream “CLOSE THE DANG DOOR OR YOU’RE PAYING THE ELECTRICITY BILL!!!!”

“If this kid doesn’t come out of the womb with an education and some job prospects I’m pushing it back in...”

Alright, Milo. Three more good comments and we can go get some ice cream.

If only the mic could catch what he said to himself just before walking out to the mound-

I remember when my first son was learning to walk. Every time he stumbled and fell, I would scream “You blew it!” He seemed to think I was kidding and would laugh hysterically. In fact, I suspect the little shit started falling on purpose.

That reminds me of my dad and how he’d drive his IROC-Z onto the court where I was playing youth basketball and skid that thing real close to me while I was trying to shoot a free throw. If I missed, he’d flick a cigarette at me, peel out, and I wouldn’t see him for months. If I made the shot he’d nod at me…

Hey, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you. You’re commenting awesome out here. This is your last comment, then I’m going to RMJ=Hero, OK? You understand? You come right after him. Cheer up. Have some fun, come right after him.

If he was a good sports dad, they wouldn’t be in the consolation game.

Son, your mother and I are very disappointed in this comment, -1.

Good dad, my ass. Look at how badly that kid’s missing his spots.

Has anyone considered a “Why Your Book Sucks” blog post for Drew’s book? Because some people are fans of Drew, but many many others are not...

TWEET like nobody is watching

140 characters is too small a template to express a lasting sentiment or manifesto, so I’d probably just speak from the heart, you know? Lik

What do you think is the worst vegetable? I say onions. I’ve never eaten something and said “You know what? That could’ve used onions. That would’ve really made it better.” They could disappear of the face of the Earth and I wouldn’t care or notice.