“His words are etched on stainless steel plates which are held in titanium boxes filled with inert gases, and then stored in the underground vaults...”

I am not aging well at all and it does kind of hurt to not recognize yourself anymore. Carrie Fisher’s attitude and intelligence about the process has helped me so much. Whenever I see the tired, old lady looking back at me in the mirror, I’ll remind myself of this quote and get the fuck over it.

That’s the part that enrages and baffles me the most (aside from everything else, I honestly can’t decide). You literally hire actors to pretend to feel emotion. There is no reason to force them to actually feel it. There is no fucking reason to make a woman really feel like she’s going to get raped. Talk to her like…

No one could amplify your comments more than New York. She just makes everything meaner. And by that, I mean a better, meaner kind of mean.

This has to be a shot from a porno, they’re going to turn around and have their boobs sticking out.

Listen, grandma, leave March Madness to the youngin's. I know you're confused by this new fandangle'd whatchmacallit fan fiction dowhizit blamaroo, but trust that the world is moving forward towards smuttier, crazier shit than whatever flesh-banging bore you've been fapping too for the past century.

also...

"So, your resume is quite impressive, but what qualifications specifically make you the chef we're looking for?"

What do you want to hear about first?

You spelled "its" wrong. Twice.

Hannah Hart is so great. I don't get why everyone has a crush on grace when she's there @_@

"...and when you click here, you see people in your area who want to hook-up..."

No, I win. Nope. Nope nope. I win. Okay. Here goes. It's long but (I think) it's worth it.

...OK, full disclosure, I think this guy sounds amazing and would totally start a correspondence with him if I were single. He's an absurdly honest nerd with enough knowledge of history to make subtle Jonathan Swift references, who's so focused on not being a creeper that he recommends that interested ladies arrange…

Here's my crazy makeup routine, in order:

I can honestly relate to this and if you ever write an autobiography you should call it This is Autism: I took the penny personally.

this is autism

today I forgot to get water at mcdonalds, and when I went back to get just the water, they charged me a penny. I asked the manager "when did yall start charging for water?" (2 weeks ago, although they could have been charging me a penny the whole time and I wouldn't have noticed, because I've never gotten water and…