You guys. I love wedding ceremonies. If we’re casually acquainted and you invite me to your wedding, I will weep genuine tears of joy at the ceremony like I’m your goddamn grandma. However. I would rather go to a wedding reception and watch Shoah and Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 at the same time than watch a video of the…

Guys. I’m going to my 4th wedding this wedding season in two weeks and I really wanted to tell you all about it.

And if I’m not ungreyed after I photoshopped an ibex for you people I just give the fuck up.

I absolutely just CANNOT understand this.

She also organizes my colognes and combs.

Picture this: You’re walking through a remote Vietnamese village when you feel the telltale itch of a yeast infection. Or you’re uncontrollably spewing from both ends after drinking some tainted water in Guatemala. Either way, you’re abroad and in need of a doctor, and you don’t know what do to.

...goddammit, I know that’s just a calculated political move but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t warm the rusty, empty and necrotic cockles of my useless, cold heart.

And now I can add "duck vagina" to the list of weird things people will find in my search history when I die.

THANK YOU. One couple we invited, whom I sent an invitation to addressed X and X Anderson, Facebooked me to see if they could bring their son because “he just loves parties!!!”. He’s TWO. Did it say your sons name? Or “and family”? Then no. You can’t. Another guest just wrote their kid in. I was only pissed cause it…

It’s really quite simple and clear - the names of the people on the invitation are the names of the people invited. So,

The invitation itself is the direct statement. If your children are listed, they are invited. The converse is also true.

I dunnoooooo guys, this is not really worth it. I’m not even a comedian and I would have had a difficult time not saying something similar after a professional interviewer said the phrase “inside an 11 year old girl.” If anything he should be dinged for saying something so dumb. I didn’t see it as a joke so much as…

Everyone’s entitled to their interpretation of what’s funny in comedy, however, Mindy fucking NAILED IT. Maybe if George wasn’t such a fuckwit interviewer and used a better choice of words and didn’t create a solid moment of awkward silence, she wouldn’t have had to break the ice with such a FUCKING AWESOME RESPONSE.

“Chandler: Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That’s just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.”

I had cause recently to change my voter affiliation to Republican (I’m most decidedly NOT a Republican, but the reasons were good, I promise). When I mentioned it to my parents over dinner while visiting them, my dad silently stood up, took my plate of food off the table, and fed it to their dog.