It’s gonna turn out he fractured three ankles

You have no idea what you’re talking about, Barry!

I read this article bc I thought there was actual duck fucking happening and was like- how in the hell is this marketable?! I still have the same thought after the reading the article, but now I’m kind of half relieved they didn’t go with with duck fucking and half disappointed bc this premise is soooo bad. (I do not…

E.L. James’s The Mister Fucks a Duck

Freeman Torches Towering Tater off Tottering Toddler

That was a good pun, I’ll patella you what.

Ouch.  He didn’t kneed that.

‘I hope this doesn’t offend you: you’re fired.’

It’s literally in the next line:

How old is this interview?

I think that’s the intent of some conservatives, but they can’t think that something this restrictive will make it to the Supreme Court any time soon. Less insane restrictions get slapped down by lower courts on a monthly basis. As a long term strategy, they have a ways to go and they’re not going to get there by…

Well, good luck with that. Nominating a candidate with even less wide appeal than HRC will all but ensure a 2020 Democratic loss.

I dunno whats worse.....that I get the joke or actually remember it was for Pace Picante Salsa.   

Is there a number I need to get at the counter to get in line to write for the NYT, or will they just call my name when it’s my turn?

Cut off their supply of ranch dressing. They won’t last a week.

Just a handjob and college are now the most sensational crimes

I was hoping the last take was just “I’m Oprah, bitch”.

You clearly just haven't been eating enough Care Bears. I think they're in season at the moment.

That was the shake of a man trying to squeeze a fart bubble out of his taint.

“Death to Flying Things” is now, and will be forever the best nickname.