Well, good luck with that. Nominating a candidate with even less wide appeal than HRC will all but ensure a 2020 Democratic loss.

I dunno whats worse.....that I get the joke or actually remember it was for Pace Picante Salsa.   

Is there a number I need to get at the counter to get in line to write for the NYT, or will they just call my name when it’s my turn?

Cut off their supply of ranch dressing. They won’t last a week.

Just a handjob and college are now the most sensational crimes

I was hoping the last take was just “I’m Oprah, bitch”.

You clearly just haven't been eating enough Care Bears. I think they're in season at the moment.

That was the shake of a man trying to squeeze a fart bubble out of his taint.

“Death to Flying Things” is now, and will be forever the best nickname.

Obviously 

It’s an article about poop! A-poo-pos if you will! 

Try eating large amounts of children’s cereals or Jordan Almonds. You’re welcome.

You can poop green if you eat Burger King’s black-bunned Whopper (which originally debuted in Japan and then came to the US a year later for Halloween).

to discuss a forward Walton wrote for a book Tennant published in 2014

to discuss a forward Walton wrote for a book

Was it under 1000 words (a small foreword) or over (power foreword)?

“THIS HARMLESS BIT OF FLUFF MAKES ME SO ANGRY!”

The St. Louis Browns aren’t DEAD dead, they’re the Baltimore Orioles. There’s a big difference between the Baltimore Orioles and all dead; the Baltimore Orioles are slightly alive.

What do you mean? I don’t see any difference?

... which was a record that lasted only a few paragraphs, until the reference to Twelve Angry Men, from 1957.

Sure a boat’s a boat, but the mystery box could be anything — it could even be a boat! And you know how much I’ve wanted a boat!