Truth will still have a chance. It’s just that someone has to figure out more ways to make money off of the truth.

The average US train is over a mile long. THE AVERAGE. So yeah. Most times, you’re gonna be there for a while.

She should have just offered him gum.

or just show her the Dark Phoenix box office numbers.

Where’s the paragraph that trashes capitalism? Will it be in the followup?

Obviously, manufacturers will design tweels to emit a fart noise when the tread becomes too worn - like squeaking brake pads.

and hamsters

The cities may not let these new companies in, but it could get cities to offer e-bikes as part of their existing fleets. Having e-bike options as part of the bike subscription would be a nice development for the customer.

Recently I bought ice cream from a cart at a fair. There was a small pail on the cart’s window-top that I assumed was for tips. So after getting my change I stepped sideways towards the pail and was about to put a tip in, when I saw the pail was holding spoons, not tips. I didn’t know what to do, so I awkwardly acted…

That’s too similar to my startup idea, Buuz, that lets customers use a handy app to unlock a series of internet-enabled vodka bottles left around town.

yippee ki yay, MF

Maybe the U in “full” is pronounced as ‘oo? 

The Star Wars Marathon is a Thanksgiving classic.

I bet it’s just a misspelling of, “diner.”

This was the Logan trailer.

Everyone on my flight: sit the hell down.

This is what Jersey Shore would have been if they all played soccer.

More rat complaints, obviously.

Instead of selling “pure” water that become impure once you open it, I have an idea for a machine that removes the impurities from the spit that’s already in your mouth! Please support my kickstarter page for this idea, and then buy into my lucrative IPO a few years later.

After seeing this quilt I say, “give the lady whatever she wants.”