If you have to lie about why you canceled your event, then have your state-run media lie about why you canceled your event, you might just have to admit you’re the kid in class who’ll never have anyone come to his birthday party.

His nuts in Peter King’s mouth? Easily. Often.

“Oh shit. We already killed the Federation and the Council of Ricks.”

I’m just glad he’s finally made his peace with his unanswered emails offering up his Love Guru 2: Mariska Boogaloo script

Hear the Pens are bringing up Ogilthorpe from Syracuse to give ‘em some grit.

Who doesn’t love the white-knuckle tension of “Oh no! Han, Chewie, Lando and Ranndum Loveinterest are sure in a jam this time! I wonder if they’ll *all* get out alive?”

This is why I want my baseball managers to be fat, alcoholic chain smokers.

Wow, he’s really sunk far since winning the Oscar for A Fish Called Wanda

I prefer “Tommy Lasorda returns to Dodger dugout”

I am sure Florida Man is up to the challenge, as long as he can still buy a skid of Sudafed off the back of a hijacked Publix truck.

I feel a curious stirring in my swimsuit area

“And we’re working with Bain Capital again!”

Oh my God I hope they didn’t take all his Tide Pods from the refrigerator.

I’ve had season tickets since 1998 and my first jersey was a Harold Carmichael from Sears.

Got a letter from Lincoln saying “Um, so it turns out you have Takata airbags that could turn into grenades. We said we’d make parts to fix it but...we didn’t yet. Until we do, can you not have anyone ride in the passenger seat and try not to hit anything? We’ll be back to you by summer, we swear.”

Dealer at the auto show told me — the woman who actually orders the inventory said they won’t offer it on the 40s and only existing stock on the 60s and 90s.

In deeply sad news Volvo is dropping their Denim Blue (a similar shade to the car above) and replacing it with...nothing.

If you’ve gambled and lost mortgage payments on the NIT, Vince McMahon has the league for YOU!

I got a disturbing “Transformers” vibe on that one jaeger turning into a ball and rolling into the sign.

See, this pisses me off, because it takes away one of my Eagles parking lot stories.