I love Godzilla, but even the Big G isn’t staying up when he takes a giant sleigh full of toys to his temple at the speed Santa gets that thing up to for delivering to every quasi-Christian household planetwide.

Is it still domestic assault if I commit it abroad?

While tailgating before an Eagles game a Boy Scout came around selling popcorn. I’m usually an easy mark to throw dollars into the cans of the youth sports teams so I said “Sure, I’ll buy a bag.” It was maybe eight ounces of tooth-destroying sugar-drizzled foam.

Only NASCAR could find a way to screw up “cars go around a track” — the endless tinkering with the rules will never deliver the return to the glory days the Frances want, and, in fact, is just making it harder for a casual fan to care.

I gave up on his hot circles of failure when he whined that the cost of providing health care would raise prices by an average of ten cents per pie — a “price hike” that almost no one would notice.

The Emmy Award for Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series should have been permanently renamed the Troy McClure “You’re Starring as the Human.” “It’s the Role I was Born to Play” Award...for Outstanding Achievement in...the Field of...Excellence!

The only correct answer to “Favorite Mike + the Mechanics Song” is “Fuck You. Even though I have almost infinite storage space for songs it’s not enough to waste any on guys who make Pablo Cruise look like Motorhead.”

Why do the engines have drivers/engineers? Are they just in there masturbating all day while Thomas flits from place to place?

I think this demands a “Toughest President” NCAA-style bracket.

The local science center gave away free eclipse glasses — actually, they outsourced it to some Australian astronomy company in an Airstream trailer set up out front — and now I can’t help but think this cardboard frame of lies is all about blinding Americans to finally exact revenge for the failure of Yahoo Serious.

As an Eagles fan I want to thank your team for that trade last year.

THIS is finally Jake Plummer’s year!

20-year season ticket holder here, with my former seats dead center in the end zone of the 700-level at the Vet.

I can’t wait for Cutler to retire again, this time mid-play.

Right before the bell, the announcer will inform an audience already confused by the setup in the ring that the fight will now be a no-holds-barred, winner-take-all baking contest. 

My aunt worked at the Reese’s plant — running the machine that made the crinkly paper cups. Can you imagine doing that 40+ hours a week? I’d scamper gibbering into the trees before the line changed to the Christmas trees.

$100 per ticket per game. To see the Marlins.

The Frances really thought those “every track sold out every week, TV networks knife-fighting for broadcast rights” years would last forever, didn’t they?

Satellite Radio is a must on a long road trip. Even beyond an iPod or a streaming playlist. You need the ability to switch from music to talk to sports to whatever to keep it together.

I don’t think I’d watch this fight if it were being held in my front yard. Maybe I’d go out and try and sell bootleg t-shirts “Kickin’ Ass On My Grass ‘17" or “The Brlawn on the Lawn” and hope people were too drunk to notice.