Buying this Pay-Per-View should come with a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation

Either go a half-hour early to lunch or go 45 minutes late, because if you have to stand there and watch Chad, Tad and Chunk-Style enjoy their microwaved Awesomely Outrageous Southwestern Pizza Flingers while waiting for a table because you arrived at Noon, every bite is going to taste like your Dad’s scorn.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Nerves, but I heard you telling Mrs. Nerves you were heading right to the hotel to get some sleep before the big presentation tomorrow morning, yet you’ve programmed my GPS with the address of ‘Mistress Dominica’s Dungeon of Sweet Agony.’ If you’d like me to keep this just between us, please select…

Isn’t it just easier to retcon Lightning McQueen as a Google Earth autonomous car that went rogue and ran over Sarah Connor’s parents?

Same age range and same feelings about Roger Moore as Bond -- when I finally saw the Connery films they felt just off, and not just from what seemed to be glacial pacing.

I had a 1995 black one of these and absolutely loved it.

I currently drive a Lincoln MKX, have had a kid since the purchase of said capable, but aging and still kinda dreary MKX, and I am absolutely going to buy one of these.

What kind of communist wouldn’t want to pay higher taxes to subsidize a billionaire’s Faberge egg habit for the right to see their city featured on a first-round game broadcast on Hallmark Channel (before having to cut away with two minutes left for Meredith Baxter-Birney in “Stop Using Our Baby as a Wheel Chock VI?”)

Just wait until the end when you learn the entire show is a dream the Mail Robot had while Martha was loading him.

Maybe he was rushing to the hospital to have it, um, “extracted”

Bryce Harper would take Pat Burrell’s old “Do you want to see my dick? Too late!” business cards and leave a trail of disillusioned waitresses from Rock Lobster to Dave & Busters.

Most people spend a lifetime trying to find someone who loves them the way Skip Bayless loves Dak Prescott.

On a visit to New Orleans once I drunkenly asked a mounted police officer “What do you have to do to get arrested in this town?”

Somewhere a Carnival Cruise executive is screaming “MAKE IT HAPPEN” into a designer’s phone

I can’t wait to see what kind of plywood cover North Korea puts on a stolen Kia Sportage in response.

One can only hope when Garland gets to meet Jesus, Jesus says “Let me show you to the pit you’ll be living in for the next thousand forevers. This is your roommate, the octo-penised rapenocerous. Every six hours he eats a Cialis the size of a Kia Sportage. No, the TV showing ‘Small Wonder’ cannot be turned off. Enjoy!”

How was he only 79? That means he was late 30s-early 40s back in his heyday, and he looked about 200 back then.

In another reality Chris Christie, lowest-ranked salesman for Airport Automall Kia/Hyundai/Buick, has been banned from Citizens Bank Park for throwing a full Bud Light at a children’s choir singing the national anthem.

I would pay cash American to see Skip Bayless be the next Bachelor.

There’s also the “don’t properly maintain their flying garbage scows” factor with an airline like Allegiant — tossing Carter-era MD80s into the sky while cutting corners.