I can’t wait for Cutler to retire again, this time mid-play.

Right before the bell, the announcer will inform an audience already confused by the setup in the ring that the fight will now be a no-holds-barred, winner-take-all baking contest. 

My aunt worked at the Reese’s plant — running the machine that made the crinkly paper cups. Can you imagine doing that 40+ hours a week? I’d scamper gibbering into the trees before the line changed to the Christmas trees.

$100 per ticket per game. To see the Marlins.

The Frances really thought those “every track sold out every week, TV networks knife-fighting for broadcast rights” years would last forever, didn’t they?

Satellite Radio is a must on a long road trip. Even beyond an iPod or a streaming playlist. You need the ability to switch from music to talk to sports to whatever to keep it together.

I don’t think I’d watch this fight if it were being held in my front yard. Maybe I’d go out and try and sell bootleg t-shirts “Kickin’ Ass On My Grass ‘17" or “The Brlawn on the Lawn” and hope people were too drunk to notice.

Buying this Pay-Per-View should come with a 72-hour psychiatric evaluation

Either go a half-hour early to lunch or go 45 minutes late, because if you have to stand there and watch Chad, Tad and Chunk-Style enjoy their microwaved Awesomely Outrageous Southwestern Pizza Flingers while waiting for a table because you arrived at Noon, every bite is going to taste like your Dad’s scorn.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Nerves, but I heard you telling Mrs. Nerves you were heading right to the hotel to get some sleep before the big presentation tomorrow morning, yet you’ve programmed my GPS with the address of ‘Mistress Dominica’s Dungeon of Sweet Agony.’ If you’d like me to keep this just between us, please select…

Isn’t it just easier to retcon Lightning McQueen as a Google Earth autonomous car that went rogue and ran over Sarah Connor’s parents?

Same age range and same feelings about Roger Moore as Bond -- when I finally saw the Connery films they felt just off, and not just from what seemed to be glacial pacing.

I had a 1995 black one of these and absolutely loved it.

I currently drive a Lincoln MKX, have had a kid since the purchase of said capable, but aging and still kinda dreary MKX, and I am absolutely going to buy one of these.

What kind of communist wouldn’t want to pay higher taxes to subsidize a billionaire’s Faberge egg habit for the right to see their city featured on a first-round game broadcast on Hallmark Channel (before having to cut away with two minutes left for Meredith Baxter-Birney in “Stop Using Our Baby as a Wheel Chock VI?”)

Just wait until the end when you learn the entire show is a dream the Mail Robot had while Martha was loading him.

Maybe he was rushing to the hospital to have it, um, “extracted”

Bryce Harper would take Pat Burrell’s old “Do you want to see my dick? Too late!” business cards and leave a trail of disillusioned waitresses from Rock Lobster to Dave & Busters.

Most people spend a lifetime trying to find someone who loves them the way Skip Bayless loves Dak Prescott.

On a visit to New Orleans once I drunkenly asked a mounted police officer “What do you have to do to get arrested in this town?”