What kind of communist wouldn’t want to pay higher taxes to subsidize a billionaire’s Faberge egg habit for the right to see their city featured on a first-round game broadcast on Hallmark Channel (before having to cut away with two minutes left for Meredith Baxter-Birney in “Stop Using Our Baby as a Wheel Chock VI?”)

Just wait until the end when you learn the entire show is a dream the Mail Robot had while Martha was loading him.

Maybe he was rushing to the hospital to have it, um, “extracted”

Bryce Harper would take Pat Burrell’s old “Do you want to see my dick? Too late!” business cards and leave a trail of disillusioned waitresses from Rock Lobster to Dave & Busters.

They’ll explore Tattooine and...um...the other side of Tattooine!

Most people spend a lifetime trying to find someone who loves them the way Skip Bayless loves Dak Prescott.

On a visit to New Orleans once I drunkenly asked a mounted police officer “What do you have to do to get arrested in this town?”

There are two kinds of people:

Somewhere a Carnival Cruise executive is screaming “MAKE IT HAPPEN” into a designer’s phone

I’m just glad nobody ever made any sequels to The Matrix, because they would inevitably have slid into self-parody and incomprehensible techno/religiousbabble and stain the original’s creativity and storytelling.

I can’t wait to see what kind of plywood cover North Korea puts on a stolen Kia Sportage in response.

One can only hope when Garland gets to meet Jesus, Jesus says “Let me show you to the pit you’ll be living in for the next thousand forevers. This is your roommate, the octo-penised rapenocerous. Every six hours he eats a Cialis the size of a Kia Sportage. No, the TV showing ‘Small Wonder’ cannot be turned off. Enjoy!”

How was he only 79? That means he was late 30s-early 40s back in his heyday, and he looked about 200 back then.

In another reality Chris Christie, lowest-ranked salesman for Airport Automall Kia/Hyundai/Buick, has been banned from Citizens Bank Park for throwing a full Bud Light at a children’s choir singing the national anthem.

I would pay cash American to see Skip Bayless be the next Bachelor.

There’s also the “don’t properly maintain their flying garbage scows” factor with an airline like Allegiant — tossing Carter-era MD80s into the sky while cutting corners.

The scariest part about the Walmart car sales is “get financing here” aspect.

As long as the first 40 minutes are Martha Jordan and Martha Stewart (cameo!) struck by lightning while being mugged by a gamma-irradiated spider in an alley as their planet explodes, I’m good.

I wish I could remember where I read it for proper crediting, but the best description of Texans vs. Raiders is “A playoff game with zero playoff implications.”

As an Eagles fan I just am thankful the Titans were utterly insane and turned down the ludicrous king’s ransom Kelly offered for the chance to draft Mariota, lest the damage he did to my team be that much more catastrophic.