Who the fuck has time to worry about the proper accessorization of a diaper bag with my cargo shorts when 118% of my brain is focusing on keeping a two-year-old from running into traffic with a flaming magnesium hammer shrieking about Goofy?

I’m going to get my looting done while it’s still sunny out.

Who’d have thought Steve Carlton’s white supremacist survivalist rantings would only make him the SECOND-craziest ex-Phillies pitcher? 

My tailgate was about 20 cars to the right of this

It’s still my favorite part of football. Literal tons of men smashing into each other while a running back tries to weasel through a too-small hole in the pile, everyone ends up on top of each other, and then a guy who’s an accountant in the offseason standing 30 yards away decides to the angstrom where the ball ended…

This happys me.

“Breath Mint for the Anus” is the name of my all-oompah Smashing Pumpkins dubstep improv troupe.

I’ve decided that anything less than $200 per ticket more isn’t worth my time flying out of any airport other than Harrisburg, PA.

I continue to be appalled at the number of people who’ll repair a flat in a screamingly dangerous position instead of limping a little down the road to find a wider spot.

Played beer league hockey in college, trained at a boxing gym run by a guy who believed air conditioners weakened the haunches in my 20's.

Well, if the Olympics organizers say it’s fine, then it’s all good. It’s not like they have some kind of financial motive to spread disinformation!

Michael Bay has certainly scaled down the spectacle for this Transformers movie.

While vacationing in Clearwater one September we thought “for shits and giggles let’s go to the Bucs game Sunday. Tickets will be easy to get.” then we watched the Saturday evening news and were told in no uncertain terms that attending said game would be dangerous, and anyone attending should not plan on tailgating…

When the 2014 movie’s poster came out and Big G was depicted as roughly twice the size of the 853-foot/206-meter Transamerica Pyramid Building my firs thought was “cooool,” but my second thought was “A Godzilla so huge walking through Manhattan for him would be like walking through a field of wheat for a person? What…

Come on, no love for “Henry,” the before-its-time silent strip about a bald child born with an ass for a mouth?

NOTE: Chris Evans died on his way back to his home planet

It makes a Phillies fan long for the calm, introspective inclusiveness of a Steve Carlton interview.

I’m not sure anyone could be casual and entertaining knowing their future depends entirely on being able to fit “Well, the Kleenex Brand Facial Tissue, Country Time Light Pink Lemonade, Trojan Double-Flex Glow-in-the-Dark Ribbed Condom Chevrolet Impala SS sure was a rocket today, and I just feel bad for the crew” into…

On one hand I pity the NBC broadcast production team, spending their lives doing six-minute profiles of the Team USA Handball Squad’s 3rd Alternate and her inspiring journey from rural Montana to Brazil, battling a crippling psoriasis problem and fruit-by-the-foot addiction.

If Boltman is not a well-compensated member of the Chargers’ PR staff, then it’s time to start checking the water supply for hallucinogenic toad urine.