We live in a world where people get voice mails from “the IRS,” from a phone number in rural Michigan, saying “The IRS is filing a lawsuit against you unless you call us back and follow our instructions by going to Walmart and buying $1,000 in Amazon gift cards, and reading us the numbers over the phone, because…

What if I wear regular shorts with the pockets stuffed-to-bursting with cassettes of Men at Work’s second album? What do I call them?

I had a 1996 Mazda 626LX that made it past a quarter-million before the random stuff started happening — most notably an odd propensity to vomit up spark plugs.

We go in mid-September or mid-January, and with a toddler we accept there’s a limit to what he can withstand. Ruining everyone’s trip to cram in a ton of stuff is an even worse waste of money than skipping a few things because the kid wants nothing more than to play in the pool.

Greetings from the Total Perspective Vortex!

Was she praying to Elon Musk?

First Offense for this should be having the offender’s license cut into tiny sharp pieces.

“Cheetarah turns to Evil-Lyn and asks ‘Did you ever really think about how many dudes have spanked it to you over the years? Gotta be in the millions, right?’”

How do you switch fandom within the division, U-Haul or no U-Haul? That’s like divorcing your wife and marrying her sister.

My dentist is Brazilian and back when the Rio Games were first announced I asked him if he would be attending.

There needs to be a special game with super-rare balls held in a rowboat adrift on a sea of cockpunches.

Still my all-time favorite. I almost bought a used one in the mid-90s before a mechanic friend said to me “You know, there’s probably a reason a car that originally stickered for $95,000 is, just five years later, selling for $24,000.”

I’m sure Hample also wrote a seven-volume treatise to this three-year-old girl who had the temerity to throw a foul ball back on the field rather than hand it over.

Back in my TV days we covered Top Fuel drag racing — the cars were so punishingly loud the tape in the camera would waver on launch. You never got a clean start image if you stood by the cars when the lights went green.

When I was a TV reporter our weatherman — NOT meteorologist, as he proudly told anyone who’d listen — used to say “Everyone wants seven-day, ten-day forecasts. After three, four days just flip a fucking coin. Nobody can tell you what’s going on that far out.”

The same rule applies to pickup basketball, beer league softball or rec league hockey that applies to life: don’t be a dick.

More and more I get the impression Chris Evans couldn’t change a car’s oil if you gave him an F1 Pit Crew to help — I think he can’t speak to old cars because he couldn’t tell you what end of the wrench goes where.

Friend of mine in college had the Impala version of this thing (and this was in the 90s) — after he ran it into the ground we tried to enter it in a demolition derby...and were DENIED on the grounds that the thing was far too indestructible compared to the other entries.

He spelled “Before” wrong

Osama Bin Laden was actually just angry with Jay Buhner for snubbing an autograph request at a Grapefruit League game in 1994. Things escalated quickly from there.