It’s still my favorite part of football. Literal tons of men smashing into each other while a running back tries to weasel through a too-small hole in the pile, everyone ends up on top of each other, and then a guy who’s an accountant in the offseason standing 30 yards away decides to the angstrom where the ball ended…

“Breath Mint for the Anus” is the name of my all-oompah Smashing Pumpkins dubstep improv troupe.

I’ve decided that anything less than $200 per ticket more isn’t worth my time flying out of any airport other than Harrisburg, PA.

I continue to be appalled at the number of people who’ll repair a flat in a screamingly dangerous position instead of limping a little down the road to find a wider spot.

Played beer league hockey in college, trained at a boxing gym run by a guy who believed air conditioners weakened the haunches in my 20's.

Well, if the Olympics organizers say it’s fine, then it’s all good. It’s not like they have some kind of financial motive to spread disinformation!

While vacationing in Clearwater one September we thought “for shits and giggles let’s go to the Bucs game Sunday. Tickets will be easy to get.” then we watched the Saturday evening news and were told in no uncertain terms that attending said game would be dangerous, and anyone attending should not plan on tailgating…

Come on, no love for “Henry,” the before-its-time silent strip about a bald child born with an ass for a mouth?

NOTE: Chris Evans died on his way back to his home planet

It makes a Phillies fan long for the calm, introspective inclusiveness of a Steve Carlton interview.

I’m not sure anyone could be casual and entertaining knowing their future depends entirely on being able to fit “Well, the Kleenex Brand Facial Tissue, Country Time Light Pink Lemonade, Trojan Double-Flex Glow-in-the-Dark Ribbed Condom Chevrolet Impala SS sure was a rocket today, and I just feel bad for the crew” into…

On one hand I pity the NBC broadcast production team, spending their lives doing six-minute profiles of the Team USA Handball Squad’s 3rd Alternate and her inspiring journey from rural Montana to Brazil, battling a crippling psoriasis problem and fruit-by-the-foot addiction.

If Boltman is not a well-compensated member of the Chargers’ PR staff, then it’s time to start checking the water supply for hallucinogenic toad urine.

We live in a world where people get voice mails from “the IRS,” from a phone number in rural Michigan, saying “The IRS is filing a lawsuit against you unless you call us back and follow our instructions by going to Walmart and buying $1,000 in Amazon gift cards, and reading us the numbers over the phone, because…

What if I wear regular shorts with the pockets stuffed-to-bursting with cassettes of Men at Work’s second album? What do I call them?

I had a 1996 Mazda 626LX that made it past a quarter-million before the random stuff started happening — most notably an odd propensity to vomit up spark plugs.

We go in mid-September or mid-January, and with a toddler we accept there’s a limit to what he can withstand. Ruining everyone’s trip to cram in a ton of stuff is an even worse waste of money than skipping a few things because the kid wants nothing more than to play in the pool.

Was she praying to Elon Musk?

First Offense for this should be having the offender’s license cut into tiny sharp pieces.

How do you switch fandom within the division, U-Haul or no U-Haul? That’s like divorcing your wife and marrying her sister.