My dentist is Brazilian and back when the Rio Games were first announced I asked him if he would be attending.

There needs to be a special game with super-rare balls held in a rowboat adrift on a sea of cockpunches.

Still my all-time favorite. I almost bought a used one in the mid-90s before a mechanic friend said to me “You know, there’s probably a reason a car that originally stickered for $95,000 is, just five years later, selling for $24,000.”

I’m sure Hample also wrote a seven-volume treatise to this three-year-old girl who had the temerity to throw a foul ball back on the field rather than hand it over.

Back in my TV days we covered Top Fuel drag racing — the cars were so punishingly loud the tape in the camera would waver on launch. You never got a clean start image if you stood by the cars when the lights went green.

When I was a TV reporter our weatherman — NOT meteorologist, as he proudly told anyone who’d listen — used to say “Everyone wants seven-day, ten-day forecasts. After three, four days just flip a fucking coin. Nobody can tell you what’s going on that far out.”

The same rule applies to pickup basketball, beer league softball or rec league hockey that applies to life: don’t be a dick.

More and more I get the impression Chris Evans couldn’t change a car’s oil if you gave him an F1 Pit Crew to help — I think he can’t speak to old cars because he couldn’t tell you what end of the wrench goes where.

Friend of mine in college had the Impala version of this thing (and this was in the 90s) — after he ran it into the ground we tried to enter it in a demolition derby...and were DENIED on the grounds that the thing was far too indestructible compared to the other entries.

Osama Bin Laden was actually just angry with Jay Buhner for snubbing an autograph request at a Grapefruit League game in 1994. Things escalated quickly from there.

Pfft, if that kid was a REAL Yinzer his ice cream would come smothered in French Fries, Ahrn Ciddy and a hard-boiled egg from Jack’s.

This seemed to be the first one that really tried to be old Top Gear, but all it did was expose how weak and chemistry-free this new cast is compared to the Big Three.

The “Tell ‘em Crazy Wally sent ya” line in radio commercials is 100% so the dealer can treat the ad salesperson like a whipped dog a month later and bellow “Nobody said Crazy Wally sent them here for a pre-owned Daewoo at 24% interest! Your ads are worthless! I demand 400 make-goods and a free sponsorship of high…

There’s also a Mummy Pirate — or is that Pirate Mummy — which show you how Disney Jr. has its finger firmly on the pulse of the hot movies of 1947. “We need a new pirate captain — how about a fast-talking dame with gams that don’t quit? Or maybe a (horrific racial stereotype redacted)?”

The “Your rival doesn’t consider you their rival” thing is real.

If could afford one done up right I’d snag one in a second. Sadly, northern winters erased most of them from the roads long ago.

Thanks to the historical documentary “Smokey & the Bandit” I grew up believing the greatest performance car possible was the Pontiac Trans-Am.

I’ve recently expanded my “if it’s shorter than an 8-hour drive, just drive instead of the ass-ache of flying” to 12 hours.

My dentist is Brazilian, and months ago (fewer than six!) I asked him if he was attending the games and he laughed long and loud before telling me “by the time the games get here they won’t have bribed enough people to find out who they REALLY need to bribe.”

A man who spends cash American on that haircut shouldn’t be allowed to play as the Raiders in “Tecmo Bowl,” let alone own the real ones.