I want to see this done in Philadelphia...until approximately 82 feet into the race when every car’s suspension is shredded by train tracks, potholes and discarded Mummer detritus and the drivers have to run to their pits under a hail of D batteries and empty Schmidt’s cans.

No later than week six Carson Palmer’s knees will explode and Howie will leap into action, trading Bradford to the Cardinals and laughing all the way home with his haul of a Neil Lomax bobble-spine doll and the exclusive Hallmark Channel rights to “Naked Came the Douchecanoe: The Jake Plummer Story.”

The Cavalier is the Official Car of the “Smoking Pregnant Mom Waiting for Her Other Kids to Get Off the School Bus”

This is a Science Fact. New Orleans is a better destination 10 times out of 10.

Just imagine how good he’s going to feel when he finally takes that human-skin suit off and lets his dorsal venom sac breathe.

Where did he go? Well, it is traditional for command to start your engines be given by the state’s Governor.

Wikipedia’s draft recaps are very easy to read, so I can go page-to-page to see how the Eagles took Mike Mamula over Warren Sapp, OT Jemaine Mayberry one pick before Ray Lewis, and I can have another tab open to see how 2011 #1 pick Danny Watkins is rookie of the year...for Texas’ Frisco Fire Department

I have a vehicle with a roughly equal-sized engine.

Total embarrassment. No excuse for it at all. I say this as someone whose first Eagles season tickets were in the 700-level end zone.

All I know is I fully trust my freedom and the sanctity of my butthole to any company that seasonally employs drifters to dress up in a Dollar Tree-rejected Statue of Liberty costume and wave at traffic exiting the expressway.

My Dad had a 1972 International pickup (in mindbendingly awful 70's light green metallic) and it was essentially indestructible. It got hideous mileage, was geared to top about at about 54 mph on the highway, but nothing short of a quicksand-laden tank trap could stop it.

About ten years ago the dealership in Harrisburg, PA had a bright yellow one with a $35,000 price tag. If only...if only.

Maybe he’s the equivalent of a Chevy Cobalt with a Type-R badge from ebay?

Don’t anthropomorphize your car if you ever plan on selling it.

I’m really hoping the move to Olympic Stadium will generate enough revenue for the Hammers to keep this guy

Chip was like owning a boat. I don’t know if I was happier the day the Eagles got him or the day the Eagles shitcanned him.

Mrs. Coffee Nerves and I have one, but she’s just so down to earth she thinks the pool boy is a celebrity. Boy, is she naive!

If they had chosen Philadelphia there’s a better-than-even chance I’d be in this

All that work and they couldn’t scrounge up a set of good ol’ 70s square headlights.

And when we’re done let’s teach a Labrador Retriever how to do a box shuffle, or maybe show a clownfish how to fly an F-35.