I’d say judging a person for a couple of sentences about an episode of TV that didn’t grab them is pretty informative as well.

Ask yourself this question and you might sleep easier: Can I imagine any of the backslapping chuckleheads in this administration being able to organize 1500 people to not only perform a specific task—any task—but keep their mouths shut about it?

This is like when my nieces and nephews fight and they try to state their case as to why the other one is in the wrong and I’m like, “You’re six. Neither of you has a valid point. Just shut up and go back to playing.”

Yeah, this kid called into a line specifically set up for kids who believe in Santa. There is no universe in which ruining that for them is not a dick move.

I’m always like “States rights for what? Speed limits? Tobacco importation? Did motherfuckers go to war over how late liquor stores could stay open on Sunday? Be specific.”

Every single one of them looks like they had to borrow their big brother’s suit for a job interview.

How is this even a contest? Even if Aquemini wasn’t arguably Outcast’s best album, all the hooks on The Score are jacked wholesale, the samples are purely entry level, two out of three members of the group couldn’t rhyme their way out of a dirty limerick, and there’s a fucking tuneless “No Woman No Cry” cover like…

It would have been like the last scene in The Dead Zone.

Wait until you see the big romantic scene set in the crew Porta-John!

I don’t agree with any of the rose-colored glasses currently being passed around about this jerkoff’s disastrous presidency, but you gotta give him this: That was a hell of a dodge.

The fact that The Runaways don’t actually run away until Season 2 is the physical manifestation of the joke I’ve been making for years that if Knight Rider were made today, the car wouldn’t show up until the 15th episode.

Now, now, everyone. I know it’s easy to make fun of these 13-year-old girls for their superficial squabbles and petty grudges, but try to remember what it was like at that age. I bet all that junior high drama seemed pretty real to you back then, too. 

And that he seems to think criticizing his creative output is the same thing as threatening his family. How fucking entitled can one mediocre talent be?

Good lord. Cage with Travolta’s face looks like a fucking Aeon Flux villain.

And I will crush that Spider-Man! 

Did he cry? I love it when they cry. 

Somebody needs to tell Disney that the JFK robot from their Hall Of Gay Presidents ride has gone rogue.

Yay! We did it!

I personally think every sex scene in every medium should just be a gif of a train entering a tunnel.

These are all terrible but nothing’s ever gonna beat that year Morrissey won. That shit sounded like a sex scene written by an asexual alien’s secretary. Like, the alien had witnessed this weird “sex” thing firsthand but something got lost in translation when it tried to dictate its observations over the phone, but…