Yeah, I don’t think one bitter, grandstanding nerd’s opinion is quite the smoking gun some people think it is.

I actually like the first half of the movie because it’s different. You’re dealing with Red Menace paranoia, sockhoppers and greasers, nuclear terror, UFOs, all evocative 50s stuff that sets it apart and is of a piece with the era it’s set in. Then they go right back to the fuckin’ jungle and it might as well be WWII…

What really sunk Crystal Skull was the absolute shoddiest directing of Spielberg’s career. The part with the rubber snake and the quicksand is seriously some Fred Olen Ray shit. The whole third act, you can practically see his poor actors twisting in the breeze as they stumble around in a clump like the fuckin’ Scooby…

He does play the saxophone. Your story checks out.

Fucking ingrates, the lot of you.

I hate fans. All fans.

What about those of us who’ve thought he was an overrated idiot for that entire time? Do we get any credit for being right all along?

I never liked this clown. Kanye reminds me of all the party dudes everybody else thought were so hilarious back in high school and I’m like “Those guys are sociopaths. They’re going to hurt somebody someday.” And then they kill somebody drunk driving or turn out to be rapists and it reminds me why I always trust my…

Joe Dante comes to mind.

“ROUSes? Rods Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.”

Somebody also needs to inform him that the only person who still gives a shit about Green Lantern one way or the other is him. Let it go, buddy. You were in a bad movie. Most of the rest of us would love to have that problem.

He looks like he’s squatting and taking a pitch black liquid shit right there on the floor. That’ll show ’em.

It was so much better than it had any right to be. All it needed was some show-stopping kills and it would have been perfect glossy studio horror. Hopefully they lean in that direction for the sequel.

Who the fuck is Chris Mancini? 

My pop culture nightmare has long been the inevitable day when they would remake Child’s Play and recast Chucky. So it is very heartening to know they can do both and nothing changes. There’s Brad Dourif, still owning the role, still loving every second of it, still ensuring before a single frame of remake footage is…

Fucking vultures. Don Mancini has been keeping this franchise alive pretty much single-handedly for decades, through changing styles and eras, maintaining the core values of the franchise while always branching out in new directions, staying loyal to his collaborators and basically doing everything you would ever want…

You know, I think you ought to get him some help. He seems to be really hung up on superheroes’ sex organs.

Don’t have a cowl, man.

Well, great. Now I’ve got that King Missile song stuck in my head.

I appreciate the advice and I’m sure you’re right. But trust me, I ventured far and wide in my comics-reading years, and in the end I feel like the medium is just not worth the trouble for me. I have too many other obsessions that I get more out of. I can’t justify throwing more money, time, and storage space down…