So, Call of the Mild?

Also appropriate the next time someone asks you if you’re a god.

Damn. Where’s Reggie Jackson when you need him 

Fun fact, this is a selfie Randy took using his right arm.

Nick Bosa is never, under any circumstances, the good guy. The right thing to do is root for his most embarrassing failure in all situations.

When a tweet comes out wrong

HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

The most underrated band of the ‘90s was Poop Towel.

Mötley Crüe is another band that sounds just as good as the album when they’re in concert, though that’s for an entirely different reason.

Lem Barney is in the hall of fame.

Robert Smith did end up having a successful career in medicine, but he never found the Cure. 

If you need drugs before the concert to “properly” enjoy the show, that’s a pretty good sign that the band in question sucks ass.  

“This has never happened to me before!”

Under getting hit by a bus made of javelins.

If I lay on the couch with the dog for two hours in the morning, I’d be covered in piss and probably feces by the time I got up.

It’s Patty. PATTY.

First they came for the idiots without valid opinions, and I did not speak out.

You weren’t wearing pants and the neighbor said “your dog is loose”?

Mike Schur is Tremendous.

I think we’re gonna need a bigger belt.