The RAGE that I get when I am just trying to GET TO THE FUCKING RECIPE I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES/BAD MANICURE “LOL”/ALL YOUR FOOD BON MOTS is stroke-inducing. Nothing is easy any more. Nothing.

I did the Cap’n Crunch photo shoot at a southern plantation, but please don’t yell at me about it because I totally have black friends....

I like mine on a tortilla. With sour cream and some sort of spiced meat and some grated cheese and a pile of cilantro. Maybe some refried beans if I’m feeling crazy.

I made my first avocado toast in the mid nineties. So ahead of times.

Step 1. Grind all flour by hand.
Step 2. Knead Bread like a cat for like hours.
Step 3. Bake bread in the stone oven in your cabin in the woods.
Step 4. Cool Bread and watch for bears
Step 5. Cut Bread with axe
Step 6. Get in your land rover and go to Whole Foods for avocados
Step 7. Go back home.
Step 8. Re-examine your…

The recipe is free, but the artless-mojis are extra, and don’t you want a Cap’n Crunch emoji? Do you think you can live your best, curated life without one?

I agree completely! But let me tell you about my recipe for boiled water.

Y’all should check out the new recipe on my app - Cap’n Crunch with milk.

You’ve made political power plays that set your nation on fire then bailed with a song in your heart? Awesome.

Alternate Title: How to become a vegetarian in 10 seconds or less.

If a guy calls a girl a slut guys have no problem believing him. But if 40 women accuse a guy of being a sexual predator people still don’t believe them.

Taylor is my best friends favorite so I can’t without calling her. That’s just like the rules of feminism.

The UPS truck must be the cat equivilent of a limo; they have so many boxes to choose from!

Cats love boxes..........any size.

Just pointing out the irony.

What’s the Moriori word for that term?

This is my cat pretending she is dead...on the middle of the road....where cars drive down constantly. We have one dog, 2 cats, 3 ducks, and 4 chickens. Everyone gets along ALMOST fine. One cat with the dog beef every once in a while, and the ducks will sometimes try to eat a chicken’s face. But other than that, we…

I don’t know about active butI like to imagine sex with Taylor Swift being very professional and thorough, with detailed post-coupling analysis, constructive feedback and harsh but fair evaluation.

That may not be the most respectful way to commemorate the 1989 massacre at Tian’anmen Square tho.