Don’t they all get new faces every couple of months or so? 

ohhhhh they haven’t let rob in the Kristmas Kard for YEARS. It went from whole fam, to only women, to now only mothers (grandmothers don’t count)

Kendall should have her own Christmas card, with her cradling her IUD.

Seems like a really shitty reminder that unless you’re a mom, you don’t matter. Sorry, Kendall!

This is just a reminder that even though I don’t like her, Melania is essentially always an unpaid government employee.

If I’m gonna be snarky on Christmas Eve Eve I would observe that all the Fox News blondes are incredibly plain if not unattractive altogether, and the blonde hair is just a glamour spell on Fox News watchers. 

I would never dial a phone number if there was even a remote chance that Melania or any Trump would answer. It would ruin my holiday mood.

Last year, Donald and Melania took a combined total of fifteen calls from Mar-a-Logo, and this year Mrs. Trump says she’ll be taking them again if you wanted a bit of a chat.

Somebody stole his magnet.

With all due respect to AOC, I’m not buying that she’s read the entirety of Infinite Jest because nobody has ever finished it*

So hold on, a girl who is trafficked and preyed upon, forced in prostitution, kills a man who picks her up, is given over 50 years, but a grown ass man killing his girlfriend, pouring bleach on her, and not calling 911 until she’s definitely dead only gets 3 years? Yeah, I can definitely see how he’s more capable of…

That sounds like the worst party imaginable and I’ve been to a dry wedding at 1 p.m. on a Saturday.

That was the first thing they tried, but he kept eating them.

first thought: Guillotine.

Karen had a lovely voice.

My Great Aunt used to have an aluminum tree in the late 60's, and she would have me come over to her bachelorette apartment downtown for the weekend to help assemble and decorate it. Every year she chose a different color scheme for the balls: all red, all blue, including same colored light strings. That whole…

The Jurassic Park comparison makes me think of John Mulaney’s “horse loose in a hospital” bit. Here’s a random Twitter video because I can’t find the bit on Youtube.

Na, sharpies are thicker & easier for small hands to grip

“Computer! Do a ‘HACK’ to Crooked Hillary!!”

And so Ryan rides into the sunset, forever skipping Leg Day.