I give a ton of advice.

Is it wrong that he is prettier than she is?

I’d pay 50 cents to try whipped cream on black coffee. 

For me it’s “ton.” A ton is a measurement of weight. A “ton” of people came to my party. No. Many people came to my party

It’s how some men imagine how breastfeeding works which is why they get so butt hurt at public baby feedings.

Do you also get a “How to perform CPR? card?

Yes, I do, indeed. Why do you ask? Drop by, we’ll have some fava beans and a nice Chianti. 

Do you own an ungodly number of baskets and bottles of lotions?

“I don’t see colour.”

Well worth the watch, it had me until the end. 

The Story of O? Rich White men living in a castle surrounded by submissive half-dressed women?

Snooki’s mom?

Duly noted:  Teach armed police a lesson by taunting them and being an all around asshole. Thanks for taking one for the white team, Jeff.

Duly noted:  Teach armed police a lesson by taunting them and being an all around asshole. Thanks for taking one for the white team, Jeff.

One work morning I was in a hurry, got dressed and noticed my blouse was slightly wrinkled.  I tried to iron the wrinkle out while still wearing the blouse.  The burn on my left breast took almost a year to fade completely 

I talked to a Walmart worker who saw someone take a generator from the back of the store and walk out the front door with it. The worker said he was in awe of the guy’s nerve. The thief got away because the greeter was 101 yrs old and didn’t notice. 

Disrespectful woman: pink dress and wrinkles.  Ouch, that freaking burn hurts.

Jebus, keep her name out of your mouth, Donald. That fucking twitter looks like a template. Just plug in the person’s name.

I remember a black and white safety film from grade school. 8-10 kids are walking home from school and one by one they get picked off. One drowns, one gets run over by a snowplow, a dog eats one (I think). At the end one kid is left standing. 

How was Harry’s son?  Did the operation go well?