“Guys view everything as a competition,” he elaborates with his deep, reassuring voice. “Who’s slept with the best, hottest girls?”

Before October = October. Don’t get peeved til November 1. Would you rather it be early or planned?

I miss Awesome Madonna.

Madonna was awesome once, though.

I don’t need an aphrodisiac. I need someone to have sex with. That would be great.

It’s sad, but not at all surprising. I’m a small business owner, and many of my suppliers are men. About a year ago I created the alias ‘Dick Berns’ to use in purchasing. Since then I’ve found that on average my orders ship 2 days faster and cost 6% less when the person on the other end of the transaction thinks that…

In the most general sense, it often doesn’t occur to them that women have value as anything other than a thing to be desired or fucked. That’s why it doesn’t occur to them that we experience and desire the full range of relationships. We are simply a thing to be fucked.

Raccoons are evil bastards with hands and thumbs.

Back in 2001 I worked at Bath and Body Works at Lenox Mall in Atlanta, GA when Whitney and Bobby came in. Whitney bought over $600 of candles and lotions. Bobby picked out one thing - a fishbowl full of small orange goldfish shaped glycerine soaps. He wanted every single one we had for his daughter. I can’t stop…

If this will be your first tattoo, I would get something small and meaningful that is easily hide-able. Live with it awhile, then see it you want a more prominent one. Bad haircut / dye job will eventually grow out.

Sex tapes of celebrities published without their permission? No thanks!

I would just like to say that I lost more than 50 lbs in 4 months—without ever counting a single calorie!—just by having severe gastrointestinal problems combined with depression so overwhelming I couldn’t make myself eat even when my system could handle it.

I kinda like her.

I am a bit phobic about air travel. I’m the spazzy person who white knuckles the arm rest and goes into meditative breathing anytime the captain mentions it’s time to buckle up because we have some turbulence ahead. But twice now I have been seated next to the only person on the plane who was more afraid to fly than I…

The Worst Thing You’ve Ever Seen on an Airplane...

Feet. It is always feet for me. I would rather see blood, guts, vomit, brain ooze falling out of someone’s ear... Feet are THE WORST. I fly economy class a lot, and it is awful for the most part (for various reasons). But I still vividly remember my first upgrade-to-first-class experience. I was so excited.…

I agree. Give me my delusions that last for approx. 5 seconds before I come upon the 7th shirtless mirror selfie.

She’s not looking for friends, she’s looking to get laid. She’s busy, she doesn’t have time for all the nonsense that goes with dating so she’s on Tinder looking for some dick...why be embarrassed about it?

Look. I’d love to be friends with Lily Allen. But Tinder is for singles like me to furiously swipe our way into believing that love might exist for us, but probably with the next person who is probably better than the last. So while I appreciate the friends offer, you are a celebrity person who can get off my lawn and…