She had a 50 percent chance of being “lucky”, y’know. But if you want to believe she did IVF go on with that.

Oh my god she’s going to lose her nipples. I, an idiot, put duct tape directly onto the skin on my arms once for a costume, and lost a layer of skin. I cannot convey to you how painful it was and that ripping it off quickly most certainly did not make it better. On the plus, I have no arm hair anymore.

Our 10 year high school reunion was supposed to be a $45 Mexican buffet in a funeral home. Not enough people bought tickets so it just got canceled. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. I can’t stop laughing.

OH MY GOD what is going on with Rocco (Madonna’s son)‘s outfit in that picture?!?! Is he 53 and a dad?

I had to break up with a Canadian guy because he would not shut up about how much America sucked. It was the Bush years, I know America sucks, but I don't need to hear that during foreplay.

YES. I especially love when he tells them that they are the worst, because lets me honest that shit needs to be said to children every once in a while ‘You are the worst, and I love you anyway.’

Was Great Grandpa a Baldwin brother?

Team no one!!!!!

“As this story went to press...”

Grinning and conspiratorial, all kinetic limbs and generous laughter,

Looked like good ol’ Ann Perkins to me!

Oh god, I think I’m a goddamn Rockefeller when I get wasted. SHOTS FOR EVERYONE AT THE BAR.

When men use that “biological wiring” argument, it’s like, bro, did you just admit you’re a rapist? Or do you think so highly of yourself that you believe you are the sole enlightened man who can transcend biology and refrain from raping people?

My dude and I had dated loooong ago. Freshman year of college. Then I dumped him for lame 18-year-old-girl reasons, and we lost touch. We both married other people who turned out to be horrible (in shockingly similar, really terrible ways. Like drug abuse and incest.) After we both got divorced, we found each other…

Even your tldr is tldr