True Beanie Baby story: a friend’s child had quite the collection and they were arrayed neatly on special shelves around her room. A visitor innocently asked “where did you get the bat one?” WHAT BAT ONE?!?!? It was a real bat (and a big one) snugged side by side with pink and blue fuzzies on either side. Cue much…

“Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” by Jeff Buckley.

My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

burns are great but reactions are better

If I was them I would honor the purchases. The losses they take are nothing compared to the publicity from being total shitheads.

Listen, Bethenny- you do you boo. You go out and you get it. But I was at a wedding shower and somebody gave me a “Skinny Girl” cocktail and it tasted like poison. I legitimately mourned for the alcohol.

I just want to hear Bruce Jenner say that he’s happy. As a kid who built a decathlon in our backyard and competed with my siblings to be Bruce Jenner, I hope he gets to be what makes him happy. He was amazing and defined athleticism and masculinity, so let him define what makes him completely whole.

Drake makes great beats, but dude is hella whiny. I said this before, the nice guy shtick is so tiring. Drake is sensitive and shit but only bc he wants to get laid & if you don't serve him the C on a platter, he's gonna whine about it & tell the whole world where you work.

Squinting at the original column. I guess one reason I’m not an advice columnist is that I’d immediately tell her to get an abortion. You get an abortion, you get an abortion, everybody gets an abortion! [insert Oprah gif] First, abortion. Then, STD treatment. And finally an examination of one’s life and one’s choices.

This one is dated, and doesn’t technically involve the musician, but I’ll share. Also, I’m not sure if it is true, but considering my aunts love to tell the story when they’re drunk, and my mother gets all huffy while not explicitly calling it a lie, I believe it. My mom and two of her sisters came to the US (she’s…

A friend in HS allegedly slept with Jakob Dylan when the Wallflowers came through in jesus, like ‘97? She still mentions it whenever I’m back home and get drinks with old friends. It’s like Pierce Hawthorn and Eartha Kitt only way, way sadder. Also... she was maybe not so legal.

If they insist on a re-make, at least get Curry for the Criminologist.

I'm straight & ducking love it. How much do I love it? I made my girlfriend watch it with me on Christmas Night. It's INCREDIBLE.

Alternate theory: You’re software. A search engine that’s gained sentience and is learning to communicate with the meat folk.

John Oliver, my hopes rest on you.

I was the ONLY friend in my circle who didn’t have a date to prom; which was fine since I had the type of girlfriends who couldn’t give less of a fuck about that sort of thing. We would all dance with each other’s dates and made it more of a communal experience.

People who don’t get how photobooths work (gif-creating or otherwise) are my absolute favorite. We got a CD of all the photos from our wedding photobooth, and while many of our friends were hilarious and creative, the sets of shots of individual, unaccompanied elderly relatives staring blankly and unmovingly into the…