Can I also be your BFF? The best part is when I get drunk and yell at my boyfriend, "PUT ON DRUNK HISTORY! I THINK THERE'S A NEW ONE!" Meta, man.

I bet you listen to a lot of bands I've never heard of, which means you're of-course smarter and more cultured compared to me because I turn on my stereo and hear a song I like. Is it lonely up there on your high horse?

Well, as somebody who moved to the US from Israel at 6 years old without speaking a word of English, SHUT THE FUCK UP, GENE SIMMONS. It's really fucking easy to learn a language when you're under 10 years old.

everyone gather round Betty white. Do not let anything happen to her

My grandma had The Bag that she would bring with her if she would have to leave the house for a couple of hours (ie a birthday visit). It was a heavy ass bag with her savings because she didn't trust banks. After she died, we found out she carried 15,000 around in that bag for years.

Eh, I think getting your daughter a makeup lesson isn't such a bad idea (provided it's something she shows interest in and you're not forcing her into wearing makeup, and she's of an appropriate age). My mom did that for me when I was 13 or 14. It taught me about blending, etc. In fact, she and I still like to go…

We adopted this adorable little girl today! Her name is Cleopatra - you can't see her little cateye eyeliner marks very well in this photo, but they're so cute. And when we were registering her microchip, we found out she was born on the day hubby and I got married, so it's obviously fate! We got her tons of toys and…

Oh god. So my roommate has her boyfriend over and his friend, they're heading out and are all chatting in the living room (my friend has run to the store). They don't know I'm here. And they are talking about 50 Shades of Grey. It is the funniest conversation in the world.

This is amazing. I love it. I don't know why, but these guys just entertain me so much.

I would deep throat that pretzel though.

It 100% looks like a lobster tail. It also 100% looks like a malformed dick.

Do you mean this scene? I just want to clarify.

She was right about the Church and the Pope.

what's the big deal?

Laura Beck?!

My story doesn't involve any exotic animals, but rather weird behaviour from a domestic one.

This isn't insane, but it gave me quite the reputation. I used to work coordinating a public health coalition. We did a lot of work with local politicians. One of the things that we would do is go on "Neighborhood Walks" which was largely asshole politicians walking through poor neighborhoods writing people up for…

Several years back I was homeless in San Francisco. I could often find friends to stay with, but not every night. The night of this tale I was trying to sleep in the park, and to help me sleep and forget about my shitty predicament I had bought a big jug of Carlo Rossi. Around midnight I'm good and sloshed, but still…

Please note from the outset of this story that my family LOVES squirrels. I even had one as a pet as a kid, but that's another story.

Oh, Christina...