"My name is Detective Vic Frankenstein and I live by a code."

Lost’s Daniel Dae Kim to star in movie about ridiculously handsome people escaping North Korea.

"It's time somebody brought blackface back to dancing shows, y'all."

I barely recognize any these characters. None of them are cutting themselves just to feel.

Like the game that inspired it, the action of every Castlevania episode should stop dead as Simon Belmont throws his 3 foot boomerang. Thrill as it languidly flies across the room, kills a bat and then glacially returns to his hand. With the sound effect of a very tired helicopter.

There's a green screen on the rooftop where they CG a view from a rooftop.

Bruce Willis starts free associating about taxation and small government, browbeating some 18 year old intern on the merits of Reaganomics.

I oppose only deliberately ironic high-end hipster ramen.

Plus, The Bible's got major 2nd Act problems. Fun Home is a much better read.

Something tells me none of these kids lodged a complaint about "too much blue dong" when Duke recommended Watchmen

I just imagine the 18 year old freshman: "I'd be willing to embrace this well-crafted story about how an emotionally neglectful and abusive family can damage the development of personal identity if it wasn't for all this gosh darn nudity."

I didn't say all women. Just Katherine Heigl.

Dear Katherine Heigl,

Doubt starring Katherine Heigl. That's almost 70% more doubt.

The Fat Jewish: The only person who could make me side with New York's hipster artesian ramen noodle restaurant owners.

At this point, just seeing the name "Kevin Smith" makes my brain feel slower.

Absolutely. You can also check out Cory McAbee's similarly-themed follow-up Stingray Sam on youtube. It was designed to be an old movie serial, with individual episodes, if you only have time for a quick, ten-minute sampler.

The Great Job Internet Paradox: Possibly useful for someone waking from a 15 year coma, though even a revived coma patient knows that a youtube Batman video is tedious, entry-level pop culture at best.

For Republicans, The Karate Kid is the cautionary tale of Johnny, a blonde haired, blue eyed, all-American boy of exceptional skill, held back by an immigrant and a welfare kid from a broken home.

I never clicked on a headline so fast in my life.