Dear crafty Jezzies - help! I'm trying to do a sort of modern Maleficent (from Disney) getup for Halloween. I've got the outfit and makeup down... but what do I do about her headdress/horns? How do I handle that? Is there a way to modernize it? Any ideas?

New fancy color of lipstick. Doesn't matter if it's the cheap shit (and it always is with me)

Tracy: do you realize that perhaps this article should not have been titled "Ten Advantages to an Unplanned Pregnancy," but rather "Ten Advantages to an Unplanned Pregnancy Accessible Mostly to Thirtysomething White Married Financially Stable Upwardly Mobile Apparently Relatively Mentally Stable (see #4 - sorry, some…

That's the Southern "fuck you" but it is also the Catholic version of "see you in hell," if you get what I'm saying.

To clarify: I'm more outraged that this woman dares to hide behind that fucking "following orders" excuse, as though "oh, the Church told me to" is a good excuse to do jack shit anything, and the little "God bless" at the end underlining the fact that she's implying that God wants her to do this, and, oh, how…

If you can't see the similarities between these situations, you have a problem.

Dear Principal Wolfe:

Actually, for Millennials, sociologists tend to say a seminal cultural moment was Obama's first election, while for Gen X-ers it was some kind of, I dunno, Sting concert?

Wow, man, you had it sO HARD. It's not like we are barely getting over a terrible recession oft-compared to the pre-Clinton recession. It's not like millions of Milennials were latchkey kids and get college degrees despite financial hardships and have to claw their way out of flipping burgers. You are the Most…

Do you even comprehend a third of the words that you are typing? Are you capable of forming a cogent sentence?

Mind you, I don't really know how to change oil or a tire - meaning I know in theory and if I had to do it, I could, but it would be half-ass'd because I've luckily never had to - but how can you get by without washing your own clothes? I can walk to work if I have to, but I can't go there naked or in filthy clothing.

Well, Lena, I treat mine with a quiet freakout in the woman's restroom twice a week and it seems to work just fine.

Okay. I guess I'll have to be the one to say it.

Father Fishnets, heaven help him, tried the "good girls don't do X" thing once. Actually, it was the "lady" thing.

Thank my grandmother, who suggested it as a concept a few years ago.

DELIGHTFULLY SO.

I don't know what you've got your doctorate in but I would see the hell out of a Dr. Cumberbatch for virtually anything. Class, MD-doctor-things, an opinion on art's relation to agriculture in the Middle Ages.

To be honest, as long as the hairstylist has done her or his job, you ought to feel like hot shit walking out of a salon regardless, shouldn't you? I mean, shiny new hair? Nicely styled? Good-smelling? That's a confidence-booster, no? And I'd pay maybe $40 + tip for what this woman's offering. The extra $70 is all…

To be fair, some people can PULL OFF yellow hair (full disclosure: I did like a pastel sort of version by accident while I was waiting to get my hair back to some sort of natural color and the general unasked-for consensus was that I looked HOT) but... this yellow just does not work with her. AND that lighting isn't…

Oomph. Wow. Thanks for displaying the fact that you blatantly view your own identity as more solid and important than your future mate's, gentlemen.