Getting back into a baseball game after you’ve already exited the stadium? That’s the very definition White privilege.

I also share similarities with your dad. For example, last night we both porked your mom!!!

This is just like my dad and me, only instead of hitting home runs for large sums of money, I’m an emotionally distant borderline alcoholic who can’t communicate a lifetime full of disappointment with a disengaged, functionally absentee parent. So cool!

And then one time he says “If you rake forests, forest fires are finished.” then the next time it’s “Raking forests is why the Finnish never have forest fires.” then the next it’s “I was talking to the President of Finland - great leader, they love me in Finland - and he told me that they don’t have forest fires…

You are loved. I just want you to know that you are loved.

Not saving us from Trump?  That’s Peak Mets.

It’s a recurring thought exercise of mine to imagine what and where Trump would be if he hadn’t inherited the fortune, business, and political connections of his stupendously wealthy father. I keep coming back to this:

If Trump wasn’t a traitorous white supremacist grounding our country into the pavement, there’d be an almost endearing Baron Munchausen quality to the man. One day a visitor at one of his hotels or casinos, who happens to own a used car dealership in a small town in Michigan, pays Trump some benign compliment, and…

Hey, I like guns as much as the next guy but that was like a Penthouse Letter from the NRA. 

What a normal human being says: Vacation Home Beset By Legion of Barfing and Shitting Vultures.

sweet, i’m sufficiently sick of fucking football after this one article.

Mostly missing. We call him "Murray the Stump"

Of course not. You can’t put a price on the safety of your family.

This is why I don’t own a private plane. Far too dangerous.

(Somewhere)

This was the worst take of an entire list of completely bad takes.

Cher will almost definitely still be alive in 200 years, so she might make the cut.

AMELIA EARHARDT???  What kind of nonsense is that?

I feel like that whole “No depictions of him ever or woe unto you” thing probably hurts Muhammad in the fame department vs. Jesus who, say what you will, knew how to brand.

I don’t know. In order to be famous somebody would have to be able to recognize your face, right? Well, just try to get somebody to accurately depict the prophet Muhammad. All of a sudden everybody’s memory gets real foggy.