Wow, this is almost word for word what I did after my divorce.

“I voted for Donald Trump and all I got was this lousy cartoon cannoli shirt (and billions of dollars of estate tax cuts).”

Uh, no. Deadspin highlights the fact that horrible, miserable, “who the fuck is that guy” failures are constantly being signed when meanwhile, a guy who threw 16 touchdowns and 4 picks last year on a dreadful talentless team sits at home.

Berkman was about 150 years old already...and has the worldview of a much older man.

Maybe he meant to say “He’s trashed,” which is certainly true after Blake pounds back his eight post-game shower beers.

Let he who has not had a twitter conversation with a hooker while at work cast the first stone.

Poor Priest Holmes can’t remember his time in seminary school.

Say what you want, but it doesn’t sound like the IOC was Russian to judgement here.

Eh, I’m pretty disgusting and I’m a germaphobe too.

“And this is why I told Lonzo he needs to try to make more of his shots.”

I eloped and it was perfectly pleasant, but the divorce was even better.

Uh, I haven’t, dipshit.

Truth.

Held to an impossible, unfair and statistically dubious standard? You could pretty much fill in the blank there with any black quarterback.

His name was Gordon and he stole her heart away from me. That’s how I learned a bear claw could be an aphrodisiac.

When I look back on all the women that I’ve loved I remember it’s just one and I wonder if she still works at the Dunkin’ Donuts in Rahway.

An Orange Julius reference is the cornerstone of every great mall joke.

“I’ve never seen somebody score so effortlessly”

I think I’m going to be ill.

Counterpoint: Nickelback is fucking terrible and its hipster as fuck to defend them.