I’M SO...I’M SO...SCARED.

What about if you’re 32 with a long history of insomnia and things like melatonin and NyQuil have the opposite effect on you and amp you up so then if you can’t sleep there’s literally nothing you can take?

Glad you’re ok but you really missed out on the chance to paraphrase Brad Pitt at the end of Se7en and scream “WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING SATCHEL?!” a bunch of times before landing.

I know Billy Eichner. I love Billy Eichner. Who the fuck is Ross Matthews? Step off, Ross Matthews. You wish you were Billy Eichner.

Given that I live 10 minutes from the stadium and experience this firsthand year round, Golden State Warriors fans are entering very dangerous “Notre Dame Football” fan territory. When they win they brag incessantly with their “yeah. that’s right. we’re the best. your team sucks. you suck. how’s it feel to suck,…

Fuck off.

June 14th, 2016. The day I found out a dog is better at something than me. Goddamn it. That’s it. I’m out. I’m tired of this cursed life of mine.

Calm down, Heath Ledger’s Joker.

What a showboating little bitch. If/when he gets drafted I hope he somehow faces Yordano Ventura. He’ll showboat like this, Yordano will bean him, and the two of them will fight to the death and we’ll all be winners.

It was 95 degrees the day I was born. In Indiana. So that means it was not only 95 degrees but, when humidity is factored in, it was really more like 108 degrees. I came into this world sweating, which is what I tell people when they see me wiping off my forehead on a 60 degree day. My body never adapted or cooled…

Love seeing big dongers get jacked.

Well, I’m officially old. That Rhianna “song” Work is one of the worst audio things I’ve ever heard in my life. I refer to it as that because even listening to a dog throw up in some unseen corner of the house doesn’t make me recoil in digust as much as that song does. And yet here we are, people younger than me…

COME ON POOKIE, LET’S BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOWN!

Matt Kemp in the finals? Of a home run derby? Fuck outta here, Padres. You’re drunk.

I like the cut of your jib.

Hey there little Brocky, it’s gonna be alright. I have a solution for all of this that’ll end all of your internal suffering in two seconds time. It’s simple little buddy. Just follow these steps, ok? First, you buy a bullet. Just one. The caliber doesn’t even really matter but I would at least go .38 or above, just…

Didn’t Ventura pull some shit like this last season with someone else? Cause if that’s who I am thinking of then the dude is a known piece of shit and this isn’t surprisingly in the least bit.

Karate man bruise on the inside...

YOU DRANK BEER AT 3 YEARS OLD?!

To common folk he wasn’t mean. He knew better. He was only mean to his opponents, as he should be. He even said it himself: “I’m a baaaaad man.” He knew when to dish it out and when to reign it in. He was so mean he made medicine sick.