This guy has a girlfriend and, even if she breaks up with him, will get another due to being “popular” meanwhile I can’t get a single female to even smile at me. Great. Feel fuckin’ wonderful about myself right now. Wonderful.

The only bright side, if you can even call it a bright side, to all of this is the fact that he only harmed himself by doing what he did. This wasn’t yet another Chris Benoit murder-suicide situation that we’ve seen so many times with so many other people. He only took himself out. It’s still sad and awful, but it’s…

It’s not always the bigger kids that are the bullies though, even though Calvin and Hobbes showcased that. I’m a big guy who was big even in high school (6'4" 275 now, was 6'2" 230 in high school) and I had one kid bully me for the better part of my junior year. He was a 5'3" 120lb nothing but he picked on any and…

I clicked on this and said “Why is there a cigar sticking out of that wall? What illusion?” so I win.

...the fuck

There’s no better feeling than waking up on a day off from work and thinking “What time is it? No, you know what? I don’t even care.” If I could get that feeling every day of the week my life would be amazing, but with a job and responsibilities...that’s not happening.

After repeatedly living the “Hey you wanna do something ok never mind you don’t have time for me” scenario I now do 99% of everything on my own. My friends and I still get together and do stuff time to time but most often or not it’s me just doing things on my own. It’s been that way for years. I like it. I only have…

I go strictly by price. In my town there’s an AMC and a Cinemark. Showtimes before 5pm at AMC are $3.99. Showtimes before 2pm at Cinemark are $6.15. Quite the price difference, I know, but Cinemark has leather recliners. And they sell beer. So I alternate between the two depending on where my priorities lie that day.…

Beltre couldnt be bothered with that first fight but when Prince got plunked he was ready to go. He remains a mystery.

I was on my way to my very first Cubs game, wearing my brand new Cubs player jersey (player name withheld lest he see this story and take it personally). About a block from the stadium a pigeon flew over and took a shit, which landed on my new jersey and ran down the front. I ducked into one of the many Wrigleyville…

“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.” - Toronto, shortly after the melee.

I fought to get where I am and worked a few complete shit jobs to get here but I wouldn’t go back and change any of the roads I took to get here because while those jobs were shit and sucked, I learned a lot from them and have been able to apply that knowledge elsewhere. Insert some philosophical quote about “it’s…

You could commit any crime with these. No cop worth their salt is gonna follow giant dick footprints to find out where the bad guy ran off to.

“All of his weapons were legally purchased.” - mentally competent to purchase EIGHT goddamn weapons of death but not mentally competent to stand trial for the horrific crimes he committed with those weapons of death. Oh, America, I really just fucking hate you some times.

Exactly. Like when someone asks me if I want a million dollars I reply with “yes faggot.” No, wait. I may have missed the point. What was the question again?

Yeah but see, you can’t use “fag” unless you’re talking about an annoying ass Harley rider who is revving their engine incessantly because they’re so starved for attention.

150 minutes?! Anything past 15 I’d be worried about my dick ripping off in my own hand. Good God man, finish quicker!

An actual cool and impressive Sox moment...completely ruined by Hawk Harrell being Hawk Harrell. Christ...

Can someone shove Hawk Harrell into the bleachers face first please? Repeatedly? Please? Anybody? Come on. Do a brother a solid.

I had a poster of Keith Van Horn dunking on someone. It came in a free issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids. I was like 13. I should have been old enough to know better but as a white kid in basketball obsessed Indiana, any white guy that could posterize someone was instantly immortalized. It hung in my room for far…