I accidentally fell through a wall once and discovered a decent sized closet that had been walled off, so you know, that’s good advice too. If you think something might be behind a wall you can just accidentally fall through it and then find out for sure. We walled it back off though because I’m not about to unleash…

Superman besting Hulk is bullshit of the highest caliber that I still contest to this day. Fuck Superman.

For years I’ve enjoyed making toast, slathering peanut butter on one side and grape jelly on the other side, and then laying out some form of potato chip on both sides. I’ve even done puffy cheetos, but I’ve found classic Lay’s and BBQ Lay’s work, and taste, best. It gives your sandwich loads of extra crunch, plus…

Yeah I called you if your name is *fart*

Is your dad Sherman Klump?

I had gut problems as a kid (still do but they’re not as bad) and a favorite pastime of mine was to ride along with my dad (he had a CB in his car) and fart directly into the microphone thingy for any truckers listening on that band to hear. It always got mega laughs and extremely vulgar comments so I know for a fact…

LOL. Hey, get a load of this guy. Hey Drew, what are you...a....uh....a...a...a pretentious Friedman-type dipshit who enjoys lecturing the youth of America or something? HA! Friggin’ nerd. Burned you so hard.

YOU EVER GO NIGHT NIGHT?

Which he deserves because Adam Richman not only rides in the Douche Canoe that ferries some celebrities, Adam Richman *is* the actual Douche Canoe himself.

Who gives a shit? It’s gone.

Larry Legend is the only good thing to ever come out of Indiana and I’ve heard quite a few times that he’s a total dick so really it’s not even that good of thing to come out of Indiana. Whatever. We’ve got corn. *shoulder shrug*

“There’s also a whole thing where Batman visits the set of Mad Max: Fury Road and fights amid a buncha Moth People.” - Ok, what the fuck did I just read? You know what? Screw it. I’m gonna go see this movie explicitly for this very scene now.

I’m sorry but I think you misunderstood the term “good UFO story” with “I saw a shooting star.”

Something orange in the sky behind the clouds that was moving left to right? Yeah that’s called THE FUCKING SUN, AARON. MAYBE GO BACK TO 2ND GRADE AND DISCOUNT DOUBLE CHECK YOURSELF INTO A GODDAMN EDUCATION. I’m sorry. The tiger got out of the cage there bro.

That kid is clearly a wrestling fan and a proud supporter of The New Day. No way he learned those hip thrusts from anybody other than Big E Langston.

I’ve peed on a church before. I had a hell of a walk back to my apartment and the backside of the church was the most private place I could find. I’m sorry, Jesus! I’m sorry!

Honestly I would expect nothing less from Ted Cruz. You dick.

When is Napkin Wars going to be on? It sounds like a good show.

The only rules my parents considered were “Does it run? Does it have a seat belt? O.K., here’s your first car.” They bought me a 1987 LeBaron Turbo, in which the Turbo stood for “engage Turbo mode and step on the gas and watch the car die.” It ran otherwise though, you just couldn’t ever use “turbo.” Also fun was the…

Oh yeah and I also made the mistake once of ordering a beer at a bar/restaurant. I had no idea this girls entire family was staunchly against alcohol and she had never so much as been around anyone that drank before. Of course I questioned “why even go along with grabbing at a meal at a place like this then?!” and…