The upside to my Boilers letting me down so damn hard is that it’ll now be forever immortalized once the “Dumb Shining Moment” video recapping this years “Dance” rolls around because the entire video will just be footage of Vince Edwards from this game.

I think the way I filled mine out says “You just filled out a bracket by yourself just to see how good you do on your own because you have no friends and couldn’t resist NOT doing one because that would somehow manage to be even more pathetic.”

This just makes me think of Back to the Future 2 and the “watching a little TV for a change?” line as Marty Jr. is watching 8 different programs on 8 different screens.

Laugh when the newspapers all say something along the lines of “Mike strikes again!” “Dammit, Mike!”

Meanwhile in the few times I’ve actually given in and gone to shit in public (Hi, I’m Finch from American Pie) and I encounter someone on their cell phone in the goddamn bathroom I try extra hard to push everything out and make as much gastrointestinal related noise as possible. You don’t have the common decency to…

Middle names are stupid in the first place. Why do I say this? Because for some stupid ass reason my parents gave me two names (just like most kids - I say most since a lot of dumbasses give kids like 5 names nowadays) and have only ever called me by my middle name my entire life. Like, the day I was born I got 2…

Bacon grease. A LOT of bacon grease.

The only toothpicks I have ever cared for are the super cinnamon-y Hotlix. http://www.amazon.com/Hotlix-Cinnamo…

What do I do when I nail a pothole whilst turning? The tire is hitting at a very unfortunate angle and I can’t avoid it. My town may as well change its name to Pot Hole because of how many we have, and a majority of them are just so perfectly positioned so that if you’re turning left or right through an intersection,…

My Apple computer at home: “Hey, I’ve got some updates to install, did you want to do those?”

I drink one of those Naked Juice smoothies for breakfast every morning and I’m doing fine. For years I didn’t eat breakfast at all, and got repeatedly told that was damaging my body and leading to eating more stuff later in the day. But, my body sucks anyway, and when I started forcing myself to eat breakfast, I’d…

I don’t want to be “That Gross Guy” but what’s the quota on washing your bath towel? I do it once a week. I know to some people that’s gross and not often enough, and to others it’s way too often. My thinking is, I just used it to dry myself off every day of the week and while I was clean while drying off, getting it…

Elbow rule, dude. Manute would have to take his shots from the fucking front yard because otherwise his elbow is gonna be over the edge of the table if he is anywhere in the house.

Yeah sure, fine, Cena runs. But who would be his running mate? Cena only has like a handful of friends and even they would all pretty much agree they would take him out if it meant a shot at the title. He can’t trust anybody! JUST THINK OF THE OBSTACLES BIG MATCH JOHN WOULD HAVE TO OVERCOME HE JUST CAN’T DO IT IT…

I am a former teacher and while the advice given here is good and appreciated, nothing can actually prepare you for that moment. And I don’t mean classroom speaking in public. I mean school wide assembly speaking. I never imagined having to do it until one day during academic awards a colleague was out sick and it was…

Don’t stand on the tracks when a train’s coming through.

I’m confused on what originally happened. A 15 year old messaged him and he responded and now he’s in trouble? But then the team fake-messaged other players as 16 year olds as some sort of who-will-take-the-bait trap and a couple guys responded to that too, and they didn’t get in trouble?

I don’t get the hype over these cookies every year. There’s no way they are as good as everyone acts. I’m in my thirties and I’ve never consumed a single one and every year when they set up outside stores all over my town and ambush you walking in and out “HEYYOUWANNABUYSOMEGIRLSCOUTCOOKIES?!!?” I politely say “no…

So....she’s single?

I’m the opposite of this advice. If I don’t get “enough time” I feel rushed and forget to do things or lose track of time. I wake up at 6:30 every day and don’t have to be to work until 9, and only have a 5 minute commute, so I leave the house at 8:50 just to be on the safe side each day. That gives me just over 2…