This sucks, so, so much.

I made it through my childhood

Yep, sorry friend. You’re also not allowed to go play in the McDonald’s PlayPlace even if your mother always refused to take you when you were little.

“You deserve it, little man!”

Yeah, white people like them some quiet. That’s why they never go to the movies in Oakland.

The Aristocrats?

Having attended a 60/40 white/black HS with a good deal of in-school fighting, I’ve seen big security guards wrestle kids to the floor several times. The difference was that our security guards only got physical when separating two student combatants — I never saw anything go down against a sitting student the way it…

I would have been out of my mind if this happened in my suburban, lily white high school.

Bears fans are adorable.

“Who will replace you, Coach?”

Could be worse. He could be Nick Chubb, who left with a non-contract injury.

There is no way this could have happened. He was in attendance at the Final Four at the time.

I have a 5-year old who will never put on a football helmet, a reality I never would’ve imagined when he was born.

“Wait... you can?” - Chicago Bears

Ten replies without a direct answer? Webber’s a natural professor.

A quick drive that goes nowhere and ends in disaster? That sounds like the Seahawks offense to me.

As someone who isn't that big of a Star Wars fan and enjoyed Phantom Menace and Revenge of the Sith, I kind of want this to happen just for the salt and grown men crying.

Join us next week as Albert Burneko’s middle age of misery continues.