For the second time in these Olympics four Americans go up against imaginary opponents to the embarrassment of the host country.

LAWYER: You can never go back to Brazil.
Lochte: Man, but I really enjoyed Europe!

Some people might think he’s making this up because he’s just so thirsty. But if he wasn’t robbed, how do you explain him being so scared his hair turned grey?

Indeed. The answer to every government failure or shortfall is more government, of course!

I would’ve thought that the fact that you don’t own a pool would’ve been the biggest reason not to have a pool boy, but I’m not one to judge...

But he was the glue that held the team together!

More like water polio, amirite??

Buffalo residents will travel anywhere for cleaner water.

more like Leonidas of ‘Roids.

Whoa. 200 meters, really? I don’t know about beautiful, but just by the description, I’m gonna say... yeah, that’s a big-ass butterfly.

More like Chad ‘Not Even’ Le Clos.

jesus, what version of pokémon is this

Meanwhile, on the other side of the pool...

Yes. Good on her for standing fast against those who think we shouldn’t ban cheaters (and will spend the week acting like A-Rod shouldn’t be banned from baseball).

Yeah, but “borderline illegal shit” is also known as “legal shit”.

Why are they haggling over repairs and upgrades? This stadium opened nearly 20 years ago. It’s almost time for it to be replaced outright!

What a kerfuffle! Christopher Reeve probably has someone helping him turn over in his grave...

You can always tell when swimmers beef. Just look for the bubbles.