No matter how angry I am with someone, I never want to grab handfuls of my own shit.

It's like everything else. Some days you lose your mind, some days are a breeze.

I got MDTI WOI AD IKPLE. Probably still encrypted.

What is the secret message, it's not coming together!!

I'd go full on Barney Stinson pre-nup with that witch. She can stay with us as long as she wants...provided she arrives in an urn.

I'd be putting my fancy Princeton education to good use to research "untraceable poisons" and the like. Because damn, lady.

No restaurants for us today. I'm a single mom of a 10 yr old boy. We're going to see the new Spiderman movie using movie gift card from my dad and the boy is excited to buy the popcorn using his piggy bank funds. "Popcorn's on me, Mom!" I bet it won't be very crowded.

My late mother always said "You are NOT taking me out to a restaurant on Mother's Day. That's when all the people who never eat out are at restaurants, and I'm not eating with those idiots."

"She opened her top and showed them her boobs, which Jennifer says were completely covered in 'the most beautiful angels and beautiful butterflies and baskets of flowers in pastel-colored tattoos.'"

Right back at ya!

Funding for that was cut.

Okay, I'm not. I just fart a lot regardless of what I eat.

IDK, sounds pretty necessary to me.

Some judgment here: that's just a lot of things for a 5-year-old to own.

To be fair, they we all haiku.

If my second husband had tried that, I bet we'd still be married.

or Smaug?

That entire first section lead me to expect a punchline....

dominance fantasies over various heads of state

Carry on, my wayward nuns. There'll be peace when you are done.