I heard that if you say Lena Dunham's name 3 times while looking in the mirror your Twitter account gets optioned by HBO.

If I have to sit on a seat built for a capuchin monkey, terrified to recline it lest I get stabbed, you bet I'm wearing sweats. I'd wear a toga if I had one.

I wear a tuxedo when I fly, but only on flights after 6pm.

This month, there were two articles about plastic surgery for women in their fifties and one about gourmet cooking with medical-grade marijuana.

Urban Myth; there is no plot to Big Trouble in Little China.

I am Glute.

Honest question — why does anyone read or subscribe to Vogue, other than while waiting for a medical professional? It's this five-pound brick of once-happy trees that stinks up your house and is full of insipid corporate cheerleading and images that make you feel bad about yourself.

I hear if you spell Geraldo's full name out and then change the font to Wingdings it actually shows the plot to Big Trouble in Little China.

Kendra and Ricky were reportedly only given a two game suspension by the NFL.

6'4", 250. Evasive enough to make a fast retreat. Wears school apparel.

Fuck Texas; fuck anti-choicers; fuck "prayer" being part of a police investigation; fuck abstinence-centered sex education; and fuck leaving women in crisis (or, in this case, children in crisis!) with no viable options, letting them suffer alone, and then treating them like criminals for doing what they have to do.

I work for a cat circus

This woman has been photoshopped. I can tell.

The most horrifying part of all this was the hardening of the feet. WHY WOULD YOU WANT YOUR HEELS TO BE ALL CRUNCHY-LIKE WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO SLEEP ON YOUR NICE SHEETS?

"HAHAHAHA OK GUYS LET'S TAKE THIS PICTURE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE AUDIENCE FINDS OUT HOW SHITTY THIS MOVIE IS!"

She was 2o the first time she got cat-called? Where'd she grow up, an island with no straight men in it?

Oh yes. They call those guys "buddyfuckers". They are basically like predators, laying in wait for the husband to deploy, then they lay the moves. I am so glad I was completely not involved in that culture when I was in the military. I spent most of my time playing WoW and dating on match.com. Sad, but better…

I once batted away a hamster that bit me in the face and I still feel kind of guilty about it.

No joke, jeez! No denying there are some mean, mean animals out there, but if you hit it, it's going to start defending itself.