THIS IS MY FAV PROCEDURAL DRAMA

All fetuses should be allowed to carry a concealed handgun to defend themselves against abortion doctors.

Not to mention if you cut coupons (not even the extreme way) and shop sales, name brands are often cheaper than generics.

Oh, wow. I think this is the first time I have really liked you, Brendadirk Cramplescrunch.

Agreed, people who freak out about their bridesmaid dresses are a mystery. I wore one for a friend that made me look like gigantic, consumptive child at an Easter party (I am very tall and it hit me in a weird place, did nothing for my average belly, and was a bad color for me). That's what she liked, that's what she…

Ugh, I hate the people who are just impossible to explain anything to. I had a conversation about pesto this week that went like this:

So at this place, everything tastes like ham?

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

Ugh, some of these employees have so much attitude. If you're unwilling to do things just because they're logically impossible, maybe customer service isn't for you.

Speaking of kids and underwear, when I was in kindergarten I had a HUGE crush on my older brother's best friend Sam, a sexy older man in the 4th grade. Every day after school, after Sam and my bro locked themselves in his bedroom to avoid me, I would slide my Little Mermaid panties, one by one, underneath the door. …

Oh god. I was six or seven when 'Achy Breaky Heart' came out. My grandparents had a camper in a permanent lot on the Ohio River (on the West Virginia side, thank you very much), one of those campgrounds where you leave your camper year-round and can build porches for them if you wish. That summer, the spot next to…

When I was 4 years old, my pappap passed away. Being 4, I didn't have much of a concept of what death meant - I probably kept asking when he was coming back. My parents explained to me that people get old, and when they get old, they will die and go away forever.

Seriously. Have you ever seen what they can do to marbles when they're hungry? It's not pretty.

Garlic, anchovy and red onion in the top 6?

Tilda Swinton and Lupita Nyong'o play the star-crossed lovers. Tom Hiddleston is their guardian angel trying to bring them back together. Nic Cage is the demon trying to keep them apart. Jim Varney is the folksy bookstore employee who finds the letter. Benedict Cumberbatch is Tilda's asexual, aloof older brother. …

AWW YESSS

To paraphrase something my sweetie says, when I know why people bedazzle Vaseline jars, I will know everything there is to know about people.

I can't tell if you're joking, but that's the kind of necklace a person who wears nothing but Vibram Five Fingers shoes would wear.