To be fair, “Are you still working on that?” makes me irrationally annoyed. Eating a meal at a restaurant is a privilege, not a chore!

Hoping someone here takes my “Shawarmageddon” Middle Eastern restaurant concept and runs with it

sounds vaguely pornographic. I like it!

This was poetic and I learned a new insult today. Poltroon is one for the ages. Thank you.

I rented a car recently (I don’t remember what make or model— probably a Hyundai Something) and it came with some sort of half-assed autosteering that made it feel like I had no control over the wheel when making turns along the road. My instinct was to yank the wheel harder because I felt like the car was trying to…

I’ve heard an urban legend that the contamination happens because the people picking the lettuce don’t have proper facilities (makes sense if you’ve ever been in a field) so instead they just shit in between the rows. Any way to prove this?

I had to do some research on Harry & David just now because to me, they always sounded like a pair of lovely older gay uncles with exquisite taste in everything. Turns out they were entreprenurial brothers with agricultural degrees, but I prefer my version of reality. 

Definitely thought “The Wing” was a TV show (cancelled it anyway)

Yes but, keto sucks. It gives you bad breath and makes you the most boring person at the party.

Unfortunately, most of my houseplants tend to get “cancelled” anyway :/

Not sure where you live, but our library has free stuff for kids to do— story time, duplo blocks playtime— almost every day it’s open. Plus free books. Libraries will be the thing I miss most once our government is completely privatized in the next 50 years.

Literal lifehack

Weirdly, my first thought was manna. Y’know. From heaven.

Noooooooo!!! I always looked forward to your articles. Cheers to you. 

I don’t understand why one wouldn’t just drink seltzer. Great flavors, zero calories. I’ll be honest, getting buzzed is part of the reason why drinking booze is fun. If I’m the DD or I just don’t feel like drinking, seltzer is my go-to. Low-cal beers aren’t interesting and don’t provide the buzz, so why bother?

a male birth-control device.

I love a good spoiler alert.

It’s amazing to be able to whip out a tube of cheese at any moment and just spread it without any utensils. Very useful for hiking trips. Somehow it seems healthier than EZ Cheese, but most likely it’s not.

I always try to bring back some tube cheese whenever I go to the motherland. This is shrimp cheese packaged in a toothpaste-like tube. You can also get caviar in a tube. Hei Norge!

Giuliani wishes he looked that good in drag. I’m a gay, so please don’t be offended on my behalf.