I still remember the last HR Derby I watched, 2015 in Cincinnati. Berman was in rare form. He was really hoarse but insisted on carrying on, and he kept running out of breath mid-call, And all his calls were a variant of “OOOOOHHHHH!!!! He hit that one -wheeze- all the way to (insert local landmark an intern…

Only weirdos eat plain Hershey’s chocolate. They make so many tremendous products where the chocolate is a supporting player: the variety of Reeses items, Mounds, Take 5, Kit Kats, Rolos... there’s no reason to have a chocolate bar.

Indeed, she is spectacular. She is thin, and has nice hair, and... her giant teeth are very white, and... I guess she can maintain someone’s calendar pretty well. Truly a woman for the ages.

Yeah, ‘member when Charlie Rangel got thrown out of the House for cheating on his taxes? And Melissa Mark-Viverito was bounced from the City Council for same? And Marion Barry’s career ended the third or fourth time he got caught smoking crack? And that time a sitting president openly lied to Congress while under…

I thought it was hilarious. Mainly because they had never done anything like it before. It just came out of nowhere, and was never referenced again.

We went to a non-denominational ceremony once with friends. It was literally everything you described with one addition: the pastor did a puppet show. No kidding, he put this Grover-looking puppet on his hand, sat down, and had a “conversation” with it for like 10 minutes. I thought I was on Candid Camera.

So they caved in some savages’ heads? Cry me a river...

She can ask all she wants. I just won’t feel duty-bound to oblige.

I blame both national committees for this mess. Primarily the Republican one, because they allowed that shitshow of 186 candidates to split up the vote. Prebius or someone should have told Jeb, Carly, Carson and about 10 others to take a hike right off the bat. A limited field of qualified contenders like Cruz,…

Four seconds in.

I can say with complete conviction that I spent about five times the amount of time reading funny stories about the Olympics like this than I did watching actual Olympics competition. And the little I watched was when I was captive somewhere, like my in-laws’ house or a bar showing them.

“the people who are most outraged by whatever perceived slight is under discussion are not actually part of the oppressed group they are defending”

ShiShi (ha!) Rose sounds like the most insufferable little shit since that slob took over Bernie Sanders’ stage at that rally and kept yelling “Stop talking!” at him. Heck, she might be her!

Yeah, all my friends had kids 5 or more years after I did. That was 5 years of not being in on the Shore House, missing occasional weekends away, stuff like that. And once they did have kids, mine was too old to want to hang out with theirs.

Same exact age for me. I am now 50 and my kid is 21 and I am almost at the finish line - just gotta get her through grad school. After that, I can do whatever the hell I want. I foresee a lot of beer, comics and Netflix.

“The best way to score a new girlfriend is to have an old girlfriend. That’s a fact.”

“I think the only time I’ve been approached to move is by a hotel valet, and that’s because airport cops and hotel valets will shoot anyone who stays curbside for longer than three seconds.”

I stopped giving a shit about the Knicks (and the NBA) the day they traded John Starks for coach-choker Latrell Sprewell. I don’t miss it one bit, and it’s hilarious reading the stories on how bad things are going over there.

Public Universities in New York cost $7000 a year. You can borrow every penny and graduate with less debt than the cost of a decent new car loan. Hardly a “lifetime of debt”. And I assure you that very few low-income students are charged anywhere close to that $7000 figure. In fact, a substantial group is actually p…

The top 1% of earners already pay almost half of all income taxes paid. This is just more class envy nonsense from the Marxist wing. The “lower class” of today are substantially better off than that of 50 or even 20 years ago. They have cable TV and cell phones and air conditioning and cars. They go to college for…