PLEASE DON'T HEED THIS ADVICE. Seriously. And happy birthday!

THAT, I would pay to read. This drivel? Well, I'm very glad it's free.

Did she really just tell teenagers to get drunk and go make out with drunk boys? How is that a smart move ever?

PLEASE STOP WEARING CORNROWS. They make us look SO STUPID.

Dude.

This, coming from someone who literally has poop in their name. I'd rather be unfunny and unreadable than the unoriginal, half-baked, half-witted, pointlessly angry rant factory you are.

I do. Do you not recall how you lob insults with no real reason behind them?

Where are you getting your insults? Are you just opening a high school English textbook and pointing at random terms? I think you need to look up "illiterate" and "composition" before you try to use those words, big boy.

OOH, learn me good! And then admonish me for my asshole obsession. Aaaaand GO!

Awww, sweet pea! Did your finger bust through the toilet paper this morning and give you a surprise? Maybe you need to go take a nap, you sound grumpy, pumpkin.

This makes me want to set up a fake (or is it?) Yelp account and just proclaim on as many places as I can, "THEY WOULDN'T LET ME MASTURBATE." Just to see what happens.

If your Tinder-supplied lady-friend touches your ceiling, you need to take a step back from dating and re-evaluate how you set boundaries. #victimblaming

This is exactly the kind of bi-erasure that makes women afraid to talk about their sexuality.

Dammit, now I want crappy quasi-Italian food.

You really are full of helpful things to say.

Yep! :)

Right? This wasn't just some out- of-the-blue thing. It was a million conscious decisions, all of them cruel and depraved, that led up to this. It makes you lose hope for future generations.

Welsh men.

I'd like to make sizable donation by way of beating those teenagers with a stick. How depraved must they be to pull a stunt like that?!

I'm seeing my primary doc today, so hopefully she'll give me all of the drugs.