I’m rich, bitches.

Alright alright! My phone is really slow and I'm just trynna sneak-kinja in the bathroom at work AND I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS TOO. I cant load shit and it took me half an hour to see/respond to this comment. Have some sympathy for the bored office drones with no 4g. Hope the barrage stops soon.

A lot of people are missing the context for the "trash makes me cry" joke. It references a famous Keep America Beautiful commercial that ran in the early 70s. It stars Iron Eyes Cody, a Sicilian-American actor (birth name: Espera Oscar de Corti) who was the original king of cultural appropriation and claimed unfounded…

When one of my favorite ladies was getting married, we rented an awesome house in the woods with a jacuzzi in the woods of Maine and spent all of a Saturday day drinking and watching the New England Forest Rally. We spent both evenings partying in the hot tub with cocktails and smoking joints in a meadow surrounded by…

In high school, I worked at a Chinese takeout restaurant, which caused a lot of undue confusion (because I'm a pretty European-white-looking lady). A guy in my history class (like many other people in my city) could not wrap his head around how a white person could get a job taking orders for lo mein. I calmly…

SING IT, SISTER.

Gurl, pleez she would freeze to death. These are the only paja

Buffalo ain't got shit on Syracuse.

Already bored, Dakota.

You've just described all of my wildest dreams come true.

I worked at a chinese restaurant next door to a pizza shop in high school and you wouldn't believe how many people waltzed in and announced they were there to pick up two large pepperonis and a dozen wings. We had the lit-up menu board overhead, so I would "ehem" and point up to a large picture of Peking duck. You are…

George is totally the Dad from A Christmas Story.

i call mine the bear cave or the cabin in the woods.

I'm going to do this on my bike for my man friend, except it's going to be a lot smaller and it will just spell out the name of my favorite Mexican restaurant. I'll end at his door, get down on one knee and with tears brimming in my eyes, I'll look up at him and pop the question: "Babe. We've been together for more…

I get that maybe we're trying to cater to some right-of-center republicans, but I actually have to go set myself on fire in the dumpster behind my office now. Let my disappointed ghost know how the election goes.

Hahaha the meat counter guy yelling BACON! between eulogies is my favorite.

Are we entirely sure this isn't Heidi Montag with a dye job?

He's definitely not on the level of my high school crush, Derek. Not even middle school crush, Joel-level, if we're being honest here.

Throwing uppppppppppppp why do I watch these things?

Update: The Duggars ™ have been taking down a ton of same-sex smooch pics, but seem to have left DC luv untouched for now. In case anyone is wondering, Jesus is cool with diet soda unions, but a woman named Grace would like me to get a divorce. You can take my neurotoxins, Grace, when you pry them from my COLD DEAD…