Frist! For those times when you just don't want to stop vegging out.

Ginned up? YOU BET! Mystery client? NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BABY!

Michael Cunningham is the Larry Johnson of his generation.

Hey Science! established that it's probably safe. Does eating my own shit also take care of the damage done to my organs by all that fat? Because despite the fact that I feel much better at 257 pounds than I did at 403, I'd probably eat a plate of shit to get past the last 50.

Would you rather lose 50% of your visual brightness or 25% of your visual clarity? On the one hand, with half the brightness gone, nighttime driving would be near impossible and movies would lose a lot of their dynamism (is that a word?). But I know what it's like to run out of contact lenses before your new ones come…

You son of a bitch. +9 months

I'm pretty sure Jalen just won himself a Big Mac.

In other words, he's ready for the Red Sox starting rotation.

Yep, +1

Look, every team has players that go down at the drop of the hat.

When do we get to return to our Don Imus jokes?

The new owner might not be so wedded to Charlotte.

Adele, please just read to me. Read to all of us.

"The Cheeseheads will never forget."

Twenty years ago this April:

I must have a ten-key. Everything else I trust people who know a hell of a lot more about computers than me.

I ALREADY DO THIS SO YOUR DUMB LIFEHACKER IM SMARTER FAP FAP FAP

Oh my god you guys, that blog is so wonderful and full of beautiful women. All of you are beautiful. I feel so happy today. Also, the treatment of fat girls is fucked. I say this as a fat guy (formerly dangerously fat, now just plain fat - always sexy though). Yeah, it's not the easiest thing being a fat guy - after…

At first I felt like there's waaaaay too much benefit of the doubt being given here. But listening to it, it actually does sound like a bad dad joke. And I was so ready to be outraged! Sigh.

Track everything you eat. Work out. Post your weight online. I did.