And I have to Craigslist to find a woman to hit me and spit on me. Some guys get all the luck.

I want to get inside Ellie from Brooklyn’s head. She’s got some hot existential takes - “the basis of our lives is our beliefs” and “People don’t live their lives on an ideological wavelength” - and decides, on September 12th, to call into Mike and the Mad Dog to share them.

Russell Westbrook: “I don’t give a fuck about the line.”

This is my favourite excerpt.

The paths of Hernandez and Gronk could not be more wildly different since 2012.

Just looking for the restroom.

In the last 24 hours, the Celtics went down 0-2 to a laughable Bulls team, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, and Gronk yukked it up with a propaganda minister nobody respects.

No joke, I want to run through a brick wall for this guy RIGHT NOW. Holy shit.

Poor kid, no father to prevent him from becoming a full-kit wanker.

His lawyer is even trying to get him off on this one too!

Two things. First, the best thing to happen to the Bulls all year was to draw the Celtics. Rondo is playing like it’s personal and he hasn’t played like this in four years. Second, the Celtics should have traded for Paul George. Josh Eberly on Twitter I think said it’s very difficult to win a series when you don’t…

As a member of society, I speak on our behalf.

Society failed him? Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh give me a fucking break. Society failed him by making him an idolized millionaire? Get a fucking grip.

Interesting new tact for NFL players: Suspend yourself before Goodell can

Wow, this guy just can’t stop killing people. 

I have spent all year unwittingly torturing the DC contingent at Deadspin by telling them I thought this year was going to be different.

Can someone explain to me why this is illegal? Why is it the government’s job to prosecute people who violate the NCAA’s policies. This would be like the state troopers showing up for an HR transgression.

The 19-year-old returned to the game in the third period with a full shield, but couldn’t make it to overtime because his eye had swelled completely shut.

ISAIAH THOMAS LOSES SISTER —-> SCORES 33 POINTS

ZACH WERENSKI GETS A BOOBOO ON HIS EYE —-> OUT FOR THE SEASON