If I could go back in time, I’d have lunch with Adolf Hitler in Vienna, 1912, before he had fully embraced antisemitism. We’d talk about what his plans were for the money from his father’s estate and have a passionate discussion on the merits of zonal marking on set pieces. Hitler would order the schnitzel, and I, the…

Interesting Deadspin fact: I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU RUN, YOU JACKASS also is a lesser-known part of that Utah baseball fan's diatribe at the dinosaur.

If you're at the point where onside kicks are on the table, someone else has long since fucked up, hard.

The 1929 stock market watched the end of the game and was like, "Now that was a fucking collapse."

Things that can eat butt, ranked:

My worst game coming out flat was the Bucs game in 2012. Thursday night football, I know I have to do well because of all the activism stuff and we're in prime time. Had a great week of practice, a rock solid pregame warmup, and we're playing indoors. I was ready to crush the ball.

Each of them is thinking "all of these people came here to see ME."

His shirtless relaxation is so dense and powerful that not even given fucks can escape.

This shit drives me nuts. How hard is it to put the roll on the fucking holder?

His T-Shirt appears to say "Expand."

6'0 260lbs

Snoop Dogg on:

Whoa, that "Caps For Sale" reference just triggered a massive childhood flashback.

"So we figured, hey, let's draw attention to racial inequalities in America by walking hand-in-hand out from this inflatable thing with a purple injun on it."

Probably would have been the exact same except for "who wants pizza? I'm buying."

[Arizona Diamondbacks pitchers throw during practice today in Scottsdale, Ariz. AP Photo/Matt York]

I'm going to use the comments for a brief and unapologetic fan letter. Deal with it.