Trainer: What’s your name?

He might have Pages, he might even have Notes, but the one thing he won’t have is a true headphone jack on his iPhone 7.

Engineer: “Tim, what is the plan on the new phone?”

Cook: “Lose the jack, ain’t no going back. We got little to lose and much to gain because in my brain is a capitalist migraine. If upgrading the accessory becomes necessary then we see double green... shipping cash to Ireland know what I mean?”

The return of a Chubb after a year without one? That’s worth a sermon or two.

Could levitate. Now he just kind of floats.

I haven’t seen backpedaling that awkward since my dad realized mid-rant that he was talking about immigration policy to a guy whose last name was Ramirez.

SEC speed.

Pictured: Trump figuratively and literally Heismaning African Americans.

It's a good thing people this sensitive have blanket license to harass and murder the people complaining about this very fact.

There’s no respect any more for being straight and white in this country.

At least he threw it in a dumpster and not on the side of the road. That would bring a tear to anyone’s eyes.

“It’s the entire defensive playbook with audibles, descriptions of what the guy’s supposed to do, the whole nine yards,” he said.

[scribble notes furiously]

a few years ago I mocked up what I thought would be the perfect Tebow logo and on-field cleat.

Can’t

If it’s got a lot of air in it, Brady couldn’t do it.

Show off. This isn’t how things should be done.

If you think that’s cool you should see the newspaper throw tricks David Carr does at 3 AM every day. Legend.