Another good argument to never attend an NFL game is attending an NFL game. It’s like being in the studio audience for a TV show, except the audience is 60,000 people instead of 600 and they’re all drunk, you can’t see what anyone is doing or even tell who they are, things stop and start without warning, and you’re…

This may or may not be your first day on Deadspin, but it is almost assuredly your last if cuss words offend you.

p.s. fuck

How crazy would it be if he left a closed-door meeting arm-in-arm with the Mexican president, both of them nodding and weeping? And then President Nieto explains that they will, in fact, finance the wall.

If I were a scout, this is how I’d feel:

“Look, I don’t mind you coming here and wasting all my time. Because when you’re standing oh so near...I kind of lose my mind, yeah. It’s not the cross that you bear, nor is it the wounded ducks you throw in the air.

I dunno, your personal brand has been fading. If me being here…

I drew a picture of Tebow

“But Coach,” I said. “There are only one set of footprints leading downfield.”

Nike is currently developing a Tebow shoe that helps its wearers leave footprints in the sand.

Nice. Thanks for running this, Barry.

“This is one day I didn’t have to worry if my sweet boy ate lunch alone.”

How many times do they have to tell you they don’t start serving lunch until 10:15? Your fault at this point imo

Carbon based life forms often reply with an emotional response.

It’s as if children’s lives have an impact on their parents or something.

“This your pizza?”

Great. Now I’m crying in a McDonald’s. And it's not for any of the usual reasons.

Flag good. Stand for flag. Throw football good. Touch all the boobies I want

Can’t

With a ruler, duh. How I would I learn if I am going to love the kid or not?

Yeah, this is idiotic. Everyone knows you can’t get a dick-growing pill from a pediatrician. You get them from ads on PornHub.

If it doesn’t stick out of a toilet paper roll he is going straight to the fire station to be dropped off.

Ok but what about measuring the dicks of other people’s kids?